So, I want to try and write about it, but at the same time, I want to just go through it alone so no one knows how I weak I am. How hard this is. But I have found it incredibly helpful and therapeutic to read about others’ experiences (like Jonna, Michelle, and Kathleen), so I here I am. Sharing.
I always thought it was terrible, but I had no idea just how hard it would be. To have something you fear so much happen is…well, it just sucks so much. When I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of March, I was elated. I jumped around our apartment with my mouth agape, unable to speak for several minutes, just making weird shrieking sounds. I kept it a secret from Mike for 24 hours so I could tell him in a fun way. We both got teary-eyed and hugged when he found out.
Now I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to have that experience again without some mixed feelings. Fear and joy.
Just when I think I’m going to have a normal day, an ordinary day when I work and do laundry and clean and make dinner without sobbing into the sleeve of my sweatshirt, the grief punches me in the face (credit for that apt phrase goes to Jonna). I don’t know how to grieve. Although a lot of people want to tell me how to do it. That I’m too sad, not sad enough. There are worse things. I know this. I do have perspective. I do know how lucky I am to have Gabe. I do. I do. It just still hurts.
This is seriously the most extreme roller coaster I’ve ever experienced. One minute, it’s “This is normal. This is common. I will have another baby soon.” And the next, I’m crying and fearing that something is more deeply flawed with my body and that I’ll experience loss after loss and become a miserable, bitter human. From level-headed and handling it well to read-too-many-miscarriage-forums, basically. It’s just the severity of the change of mood that takes me aback.
I hope I get to experience having a healthy pregnancy and birth and baby again. But right now, I just want that baby. That baby who was due November 15. Every time I look at events coming up in May and June, I think, “I was going to be in my second trimester for that. Now I am nothing.”
I was crying and asked Mike to please make sure it never happened to me again. He said we could get a dog instead. He brings the levity to our family.
I told Gabe there is no more baby in my belly. He told me, “We haveta get it back!” Oh, sweet boy.
We got some disappointing news from insurance about my coverage for the procedure. I’m trying not to stress about money on top of stressing about our chances of having a second child, but really, universe? Mike said we can use our retirement money. No flaws in that plan, right?
Most of all from this experience, I have learned how to be a good friend. And who the good ones are. They shove their way in. They aren’t afraid of being around suffering or hurt. (And as someone who is totally terrified of seeing other people’s suffering, I understand why some people feel like they have no idea what to say and therefore say nothing at all. I totally get it. I do. But it makes me appreciate the reacher-outers even more.)
It’s been a dark few weeks in my life. But I can’t help but look outside and notice that suddenly there are leaves on everything. That all of the darkness and rain of early spring has brought beauty and life. I really, really hope that the same will be true for my future.
I think one of the most complicated lessons I’ve had to learn is that we are complex humans that are capable of feeling and expressing more than one emotion at a time. We can be joyous about one thing and sad about another. We can have perspective and recognize how blessed we are while still mourning something tragic. We are deep and complicated and sometimes our feelings contradict themselves and fight against logic, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.
I wish I knew a way to comfort you and other women who have gone through this but it is an emotional experience that I am still unfamiliar with. So what I’ll say is that you’re in my thoughts and I hope you heal wholly and whatever it is the future holds for you, I’m confident you’ll handle it with grace & courage <3
Jenn said it much better than I am. Feel free to re-read her comment instead of attempting to understand my garbled mess of words. =)
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been keeping you in my thoughts the last few days.
I wish this didn’t happen to so many people. Miscarriages are horrible and I’m thinking of you as you try to heal.
Oh, Ashley. I’m so glad you’re able to write about this. Not for me, but for you. It must help (on even a micro-mini level) to sort through your thoughts and feelings and to organize them in a cohesive manner. I’m so glad you’ve found support through others who have also experienced miscarriages. I can try to understand with all my might, but truly they will understand you better. Having said that, everyone’s experience is so very different. The circumstances leading up to it. The reasons for it. The event and aftermath. So many variables. So, don’t punch yourself if the road you travel turns out to be uniquely yours, as it really should. So far, it seems like everything you’ve expressed is well within the “normal grieving range.” If I could reach through this laptop to give you a hug and makes things all better, I would. Since I can’t, I’ll just say that you are doing great with this grieving thing … let your body and your soul lead the way … you will make it through this dark time … even if it means Gabe pulls you through kicking and screaming. <>
I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. I have not dealt with it myself, but several close friends have and it just. Plain. Sucks.
One thing re: your insurance…my friend had the same thing happen to her and the claim for the anesthesia rejected. It turned out that it was being coded as an “elective abortion”, rather than “missed abortion”, which is the code used for miscarriage. Maybe that will have something to do with it (unless it’s deductible, etc.related, in which case ignore me completely)
(hugs)
This is all too familiar, and my heart is hurting with you. No one should have to go through this. But know that one day you will be a comfort to someone else. All my love to you!
Ashley,
My heart breaks for what you are going through. Please know that the rollercoaster is normal. No woman should have to endure this kind of pain. The loss of a child is deep, and sometimes it’s even harder when the culture expects us to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t matter. Or make us question if something is wrong with our bodies. This is the type of club that no woman wants to join, but once you enter it, there are so many of us here with open arms to embrace you and just be there. I am grieving with you. But I also want to offer hope that time does help to heal the pain. Nothing is ever the same, but it does help to make us all the more grateful for the precious little lives that we do get to care for. Love you friend.
My heart aches for you, Ashley. I wish you never had to read my posts with understanding but I’m glad if it helped even a little.
There are as many different ways to grieve as there are people on the earth. Never worry about how your way of grieving comes across to anyone else. Your baby was alive and real inside YOUR body, and no one else can grieve that loss but you, in your own way and time. I can only promise you that it won’t always be this painful… it will always be sad that it happened, and sometimes those question marks will resurface (What If? etc), but you will eventually get to a point of acceptance and peace.
But for now, it sucks and it hurts, and I know you feel weak and you’re struggling (sometimes I still do), and that’s only human. I remember realizing: there’s no way around it but through. Just know that even though you feel broken, hope will sneak in between the cracks.
xoxo
Ashley, I’m so very sorry.
For what it is worth, however you choose to grieve (or not grieve) is right for you. No one should tell you otherwise.
Oh Dear- I am so sorry. so sorry. I love the phrase you stole, “the grief punches me in the face.” When I was grieving my own loss I too would seem fine and then suddenly start sobbing – weeping uncontrollably. And then after some undetermined time- it would pass. The days between episodes get longer, but it is still a sadness I remember. I will never forget the day it happened- it is my baby’s day. I know that you will never forget either, but the pain will dull as you grieve the way you need to grieve. I wish I could do something to help you – I don’t really know you- I just stalk you sweet blog- but I am so glad to hear that you have people pouring into your life. And glad to know that you are accepting their love. I wish I could take your pain- but I cannot. Hugs over the internet.
I have (thankfully) never experienced a miscarriage. However, from what I know of grief, whatever you are feeling is normal for you. This little babe will always be a part of your life, you won’t ever forget what could or should have been – but eventually you’ll learn to live in your new reality. And in the meantime, there’s no right or wrong way to do it, just whatever helps you get through the week, the day, the hour, the minute… Virtual hugs!!!
I just feel MAD that this happened to you. I am just so sorry. But be whatever you need and want to be. Sad as you want, mad as you want, whatever you need to do.
Hugs. And also hatred towards your insurance company. Direct from me, who is thinking about you a lot and sending you love.
I’m so sorry, Ashley. I’ve been thinking of y’all a lot. I hope the rawness fades soon.
Ashley
Just want to let you know that I am keeping you, Mike, Gabe and the little one in my prayers – time will heal the wounds, as they say, but only a mother knows how precious her every child is, so do grieve in whatever way comforts you.
You are a nice person and don’t you worry, you will have another baby, stay positive :-)
Oh sweetie, you are not weak. Quite the opposite. You are amazing and you have dealt with this crappy, terrible, unfair experience with incredible grace. And I have faith that you WILL see more spring leaves in your future. But I’m so sorry that you aren’t seeing them now. xoxo.
I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through that… it’s just not fair. I’m sure you are helping many people just in writing this, and I hope that helps to heal you a little bit too. Love love love to your family.
I really admire you for sharing your experience. I used to really want to write about my own troubling experiences with infertility. I thought I would write about it after I got over it because at the time, it felt too hard to put real life into words. But now I really feel like I can’t go back to that place. I don’t want to re-experience it, you know? Writing about it in the moment probably would have helped me more than just keeping my thoughts and words in my mind. I think I really isolated myself during that time by not sharing what I was going through and just putting on a fake happy face. So…I admire your strength to share. I hope it helps you heal a little.
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. You may want to check out the book After Miscarriage – I’ve heard good things about it from other mothers who have miscarried.
**hugs** Go easy on yourself for a while. You just lost a child, and that’s a difficult experience because it’s a silent pain and a silent grief. But it’s pain and grief all the same. You’re never going to forget the baby you lost, but over time the pain won’t be as biting and raw. You’ll always carry a little bit of it in your heart, though.
I was going to recommend After Miscarriage as well. I bought it for 2 of my sisters-in-law who had miscarriages this year and my mother-in-law (who lost 4 babies) said it was the best book on miscarriage she’d ever seen. Have been thinking about and praying for you.
I have been thinking of you the past few days. I know it is easier said than done, but please don’t beat yourself up for how you think you “should” be feeling. You’ve had a tremendous loss.
Also, I want to punch your insurance company in the face.
oh friend i can’t even imagine this and just, you grieve how you want to grieve and you feel how you need to feel. it’s so hard to suffer like this because there is no manual, no how-to for anyone, but it’ll be okay. sending all the happy awesome wonderful money tree vibes your way. thinking of you so so much! xo
I’ve been thinking of you and your family since last week. I’m so sorry Ashley.
Although I’m completely ignorant to what this kind of experience is like and can only go on what my mom has told me about her own experiences, I do think it’s so very brave of you to write about your feelings and how you’re dealing with it. Grief and sadness are so universal but the many layers of those feelings are rarely talked about or described especially when it comes to miscarriages.
I would like to join in the insurance company punching. Seriously.
You are so brave for sharing this. I hope you have a lot of reacher-outers in your life. Thinking of you!
I do recommend dogs . . . maybe because there have only been a few years of my life without a dog living with me, but there’s nothing like the soft, furry head resting on a knee or a hand. I would not have gotten through the heartbreak of the past six months without my girl.
I have no adequate words, but I am thinking of you and I hope you feel loved. And I hope you feel joy, even if it’s just a little bit every day.
No one can tell you how you should grieve. Whatever works for you is the best. I wish I could give you a hug in real life but I am sending a virtual one instead. I wont tell you that everything will be ok because I hate that phrase! Instead just surrou
nd yourself by people who love you and the intense grief will dull. Much love to you all xxx
There’s things I wan’t to say, but I don’t really know how to express them properly other to say I’m so sorry. And you mourn however feels right to you. It doesn’t have to be done a certain way, or for a certain amount of time. And yes you have wonderful Gabe, but this is still a tragic turn of events. But you will prevail, and you’ll always remember, but I know you’re strong and will slowly feel better with each and every passing day. <3 <3 <3
:'( my heart aches for you! I’m oh so sorry for your loss. I have not experienced miscarriage personally but my sister and her hubby recently lost the little one they were expecting. It’s so very hard to loose a baby. She is also having a very difficult time and has often called me in tears these past few weeks. What they did was bought a small teddy bear and he is now wearing her hospital bracelets and sitting in their living room. This was not written by me: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thebettermom.com%2F2011%2F10%2Fthe-other-side-of-me-walking-through-the-dark%2F&h=9AQEt47qI&s=1 Know we are praying for you ……
Oh, Gabe, what a sweet heart! So glad that you have a support system, those that “forced” their way in, because I think without it, it’d be that much harder. I won’t tell you how to grieve or that “everything will be ok”. I will say that I’m listening. Thanks for sharing.
Oh miss Ashley. I have read your blog forever it seems, and I remember rejoicing with you along with your growing belly. I know I’ll see it grow again, and your heartbreak makes my heartbreak for you. You grieve HOWEVER you want you lovely lady. Cause you are lovely, just exactly how you are. I know this is weird…but is there an address that we can send a get well card to? Or a get well book, or a get well bottle of wine? :D
Sending you some strength as you walk through this loss. I like the reacher-outers too.
Jenn’s comment above is perfect. The hardest thing for me to understand is how we can feel multiple emotions at the same time…but as she said, we are complex and we can.
Thank you for writing this post; I know it must have been difficult, but I’m glad I was able to read this and understand your story a bit better.
Thinking of you and your family! <3
I’m sorry for your loss Ashley. Many women have had this experience and still go on to have healthy children. I know you will too! May you find some comfort and peace during this difficult time.
Lovr, Bea
Hugs. Just lots of hugs.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Grieve however YOU need to grieve–no one else gets a say in those emotions. Grief is not a linear thing, in my experience, and no one else can tell you how to do it. Just make sure to lean on the friends and family to support you while you go through this.
*hug*
I have been here, twice, and everything you say is honest and true. Don’t feel guilty for feeling whatever way you need to at any moment. Grieving for someone you never met and who will never be here with you is the strangest grief ever. Muddling through is OK. Your family and friends will support you and the love you feel from that can be amazing. There is no set time period that you should magically feel better. This will be a part of you always and will change who you are.
I’m so so so sorry for your loss – and honestly, you handle it however best you can – whether you seem “too sad,” or “not sad enough.” I’m a big advocate of embracing your emotions and riding them out – even when they’re horrible. I know I speak for so many when I say we are all thinking of you and sending you light and love as much as possible!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Ashley. I hope that you’re taking care of yourself and that you’re being kind to yourself while you feel your way through this. I’m glad you have your sweet boys and good friends to help pull you through. Know there’s lots of us out here thinking about you, wishing & praying for your heart to heal in the its own time <3
Wishing you and your family the best. I know this is a real difficult thing to go through.
Dear Ashley,
I am so sorry. There aren’t enough words. I wanted to leave you the link to an amazing post by Dear Sugar, also the book she recommends “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination” by Elizabeth McCracken is a wonderful book, the happiest saddest book and I recommend it with the best intentions.
http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/
You have inspired me in decluttering my life without ever knowing it. Thank you and I am sorry and I wish you hope, light in the darkness and joy,
Lisa
Oh, dear friend. I know I am late to the game on commenting and supporting in this arena but I hope you know that for the last few weeks you have been 100% on my mind; from the doppleganger I saw at a local restaurant (literally looked just like you, I nearly tackle hugged her), to sending thoughts, prayers, good vibes and best wishes across the universe.
I myself cried at what Gabe said; so incredibly innocent and sweet (and why can’t it always be that way, I wonder).
All I can say is experience the recovery in your way. Your emotions are your own emotions; no one can dictate or tell you what to think, feel, give you a barometer as to where you should be healing wise. It’s a personal matter for sure, and yet not since so many people have experienced it. Much love to you and your boys. xoxox