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Empty.

Filed Under: Personal & Life Updates 111 Comments

I found out last Monday that my 8.5 week old pregnancy was not viable.

The ultrasound tech was silent as she performed the ultrasound. I lay in dark silence, knowing that it wasn’t good. The sac measured 10 days behind. I was sure of when I ovulated.

I waited 25 minutes in an empty exam room for a doctor to talk to me.

“Everything looks great…” she started. I knew better. She ordered bloodwork and a followup ultrasound.

My numbers dropped slightly in my second blood draw. The medical assistant assured me it could be normal. I knew better. More appointments and bloodwork and ultrasounds followed.

And so, I will experience my first miscarriage.

I have known literally dozens of women – online and off, family and friends, who have experienced pregnancy loss. I always told myself that if it happened to me, I wouldn’t blame myself. That I would be able to go on a have a normal pregnancy.

And I think that mental preparation helped. I am doing okay, emotionally. I know that miscarriage is common and rarely happens twice in a row. I am young, I can get pregnant, and I can have a healthy pregnancy. I guess it’s just part of the risk of trying to procreate: 15-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Although I feel a sense of loss about this pregnancy, moreso, I feel a sense of loss of control over my reproduction. I found a post on Jezabel that resounded with my experience: “Maybe the larger lesson here …is that we never have any true control over the fragile inner workings of our bodies.”

As I was crying into my pillow the night I found out, I said aloud , “We are all healthy. We are all alive. It’s going to be okay.”

I’ve gotten numerous opportunities for perspective over the past few weeks. It will be okay. Worse things happen.

But it’s still hard. Some days are better than others. My perspective and good outlook crumble some days and I can’t stop crying.

The national tragedies have coincided with my own personal tragedy to make the shock and overwhelm of it all are nearly unbearable. Everyone keeps talking about how it’s the worst week ever and I just want to scream, “YES. IT IS. BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.”

Every pregnancy announcement from someone due in the fall stings. I should be 10 weeks pregnant. I thought it would be me sharing that news in just days. Instead, I am going to have a d&c Monday morning. As Lizzie said so well, “I need you to know why I can’t show super-excitement for your pregnancy right this very second…I want you to know that I really am over the moon that you had an ultrasound today, but I just can’t be part of the celebration yet. I’m still getting over the fact that it’s not me.”

I don’t want to become bitter and resentful. I know I’ll be okay soon. It’s just going to hurt for a while.

With my first pregnancy, they thought something was wrong. Three separate things (Downs syndrome, neural tube defects, and “water on the brain”.) Weeks in limbo, tears, and waiting. Still I had hope. And now I have Gabe.

With my second pregnancy, there was no heartbeat. There were weeks in limbo, tears, and waiting. Still I have hope. Hope that there will be another. It might not be at the right time, but there will be another. That is the only way I can get through this.

And until then, all the desserts in the world to dull the ache a little.

(PS: If you are a friend of mine, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s just hard to talk about aloud.)

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Comments

  1. Melinda says

    Sending you my thoughts. I’m sorry that this happened to you and if you need to vent it out you know I will be there for you. <3

    Reply

  3. Emily says

    Ashley, I am sorry. Everyone’s experience is different, no matter how many of us have gone through this. Mentally you know you’re not alone, but EMOTIONALLY… it’s much much more complicated than that. Thinking of you – it’s a crappy crappy place to be and it’s so unfair and I’m just so sorry. Prayers for you and your sweet little family. XOXO

    Reply

  4. Rheagan says

    I am so sorry for you loss. I know there aren’t any words anyone can say to take the pain away, but as a regular reader of your blog (and twitter!) I just want you to know that I’m praying for you. I hope all goes well on Monday. Peace.

    Reply

  9. Kerri W. says

    Saw this post pop up in my Twitter stream (I’m pretty much never on Twitter, so it was fate) — anyway, I am so sorry this is happening to you, and I wish I knew something to say that would help take away even a bit of the pain you’re experiencing. Two of my sisters have experienced miscarriages and I think you’re right when you say that having seen women deal with their own tragedies has perhaps prepared you in some way (if only a tiny, tiny bit). But no matter what, and no matter how many people you’ve seen go through it, I know it’s different when it’s you.

    I’m so grateful you have such a wonderful support system…an amazing husband, the cutest little boy, a supportive family. And a whole tribe of bloggers who are sending prayers and uplifting thoughts your way. Grieve in your own way, and take your time, and know that we’re all here for you!

    PS: I always am grateful when people talk openly about these things. I wish it happened more. I know this post is going to help so many other women, so thank you. <3

    Reply

  14. courtney says

    So sorry for your loss. So glad you are feeling some hope. Thanks for being brave and sharing how you feel on behalf of those who can’t bear to – and please know that you have lots and lots of company, for better or worse.

    Reply

  17. kakaty says

    I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage between my kids and I lost that pregnancy around 10 weeks. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Looking back now over the 4 years that have passed since that miscarriage, what has stuck with me the most is how much it hurt to see other pregnant people at that time. That went on for months and it can be soul-crushing. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

    Reply

  19. Tam says

    i want to jump in my car and drive to OH to give you the fattest hug ever. Please I’m here if you need anything. At all.

    Reply

  21. Jayme says

    So incredibly sorry to hear of your loss, Ashley. Literally almost in tears for you as I’ve been a follower of your blog since you were pregnant with Gabe. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now but know that I’m sending positive thoughts your way. Hug that little boy of yours a bit tighter each day, this too shall pass.

    Reply

  24. Miranda says

    I’m so sorry to read this, Ashley. I’ve been worried and thinking about you this past week or so and I was really hoping to not find something like this. Take the time you need to grieve, process and heal. We’re all here in your corner and sending you and your family our very best. Hugs.

    Reply

  26. Katie [Blogs] says

    Ash- I’m thinking of you & your family so incredibly hard right now. I can’t say I know how you feel, but I do know the feeling of loss, and helplessness. Know you have hundreds, if not thousands of people behind you to hold you up if you need to fall down. And we’ll help you right back up.

    <3

    Reply

  28. Tracy says

    I am so very sorry, Ashley. Please be gentle with yourself as you mourn the loss of your baby. Wishing I could wrap you up with hugs and prayers.

    Reply

  29. Alex says

    Oh Ashley. I am thinking of you and your beautiful family. I know there is nothing anyone can ever say to fill that space or make your heart hurt any less. So much love and so many hugs being sent your way.

    Reply

  30. Taryn says

    Oh my gosh- I am so so so sorry for your loss. You are right- it is common but it doesn’t take away the hurt. After almost 3 years of trying I miscarried my first pregnancy – my doctor believes that it stopped growing around 5 or 6 weeks. It was devastating. Like you- I knew in my head that I had no control but that didn’t take away the pain. I would have done anything for that tiny little sac, but there was nothing for me to do. I am so sorry.

    Reply

  33. Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks says

    Oh, Ashley, my heart aches for you. You take all the time in the world to mourn your loss. Don’t expect too much. You have an amazing husband and an amazing son. Lean on them. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Be good. xoxo

    Reply

  35. Rachel Balducci says

    I am so so sorry for your loss. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It was such a sad and lonely time. You will heal and feel better, but you might always miss the presence of that little soul in your life. We often ask Our Baby to intercede for all these younger siblings. The baby is still a part of our world. Mystical but true. xo.

    Reply

  43. Heather says

    Ashley, I am so sorry for your lose. I am sending you lots of love and light and hugs. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. <3

    Reply

  47. Anne says

    Oh, Ashley, I am so, so sorry. I wish there were something profound and reassuring I could say, but it just sucks. Take care of yourself, and eat all the dessert you want.

    Reply

  52. Chirleen says

    I am SO sorry that you are having to experience this. I love that you are trying so hard to be positive about things. Remember, allow yourself time to grieve, allow yourself time to laugh & allow yourself to feel whatever comes natural. I promise things will get better. I experienced a miscarriage in 2006 at 7 weeks and delivered my stillborn son last April at 22 weeks. I can honestly say I understand your disappointment, your fears, your anger, and probably a lot of the other emotions you are having. But from one bereaved momma to another: let your child be a source of happiness and hope. You’ll be just fine.

    Oh, and one more thing: I’ll be praying for you!! Just know that you are not alone.

    Reply

  54. Bethany says

    This is like a birth experience for you and part of your family’s story. Don’t brush off all the feelings.

    Also, ask for MhFR test- easy fix with baby aspirin and crapload of folic acid- mthf genetic defect in mom causes neural tube issues and miscarriage…

    And I am just so sorry for you. Terrible.

    Reply

  55. Erin says

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost a pregnancy in January of this year and even though it was even earlier than yours, it was devastating. I commended that baby into the Blessed Mother’s arms and asked her to hold that baby until I get to meet him or her. Be assured of my prayers.

    Reply

  60. Diane says

    I’m sorry for your loss… I know how much that hurts. But you WILL be okay. It just takes time. You’ll never forget, but you will learn to live with it and hopefully you will have another healthy, successful pregnancy in the near future. I went through this between my first & second sons and I’ve never forgotten it, but I am so grateful for the two healthy boys I do have! Sending you love, prayers and good wishes~

    Reply

  63. Talia says

    I’m so sorry, Ashley. I hate that you have to go through this. It may be common (and really, it’s astounding and sad how many women I know who’ve suffered miscarriages), but I know that certainly does not make any one less horrible or hard.

    Keep holding onto hope, and give yourself time to heal. You’ll be in my prayers tonight. Hugs. <3

    Reply

  65. Kelly says

    Wow. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s “common” but that doesn’t make it any less sad. I know you will go on to have another beautiful and healthy child, but in the meantime if you feel sad, it’s okay. I’m thinking of you!

    Reply

  66. lauryn says

    I’m so very sorry for your loss… You are a strong, beautiful person and the kind of mom that I hope to be someday. I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love to Ohio <3

    Reply

  67. Melinda says

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss…it’s been a tough week for sure :(
    I’ll be thinking of you and will say a prayer for your healing.

    Reply

  69. Trisha R says

    Having experienced my own first miscarriage recently, after two perfectly normal pregnancies/births, I feel you. *hug*

    Reply

  70. callina says

    Ugh, so sorry to hear this. My husband and I went through a lot to have our little girl, and the road can certainly be rough (and long) at times. Don’t lose hope!

    Reply

  73. Anna says

    This is just how I felt when the same happened to me in december. Thank you for putting it in to words. I’m very sorry for you

    Reply

  76. Kelly says

    Thinking of you Ashley. I experienced a very similar thing in my first pregnancy in 2009. The yolk sac had not progressed. Had to wait through blood tests as well, but in my heart I think I knew. My husband and I grieved so so much. I quit my job, we left our apartment because it was too painful being there and being reminded all the time. It took a long time for me to trust my body again, I felt betrayed. I now have a beautiful 2.5 year old son who is wonderful and we love him to pieces. He will be our only child. Stay strong Mama, cry as much as you need to.

    Reply

  79. Maura says

    Hi Ashley, I’ve been reading for a while but this is my first time commenting– I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss and that I’m sending good vibes your way.

    Reply

  81. Jenny says

    I’m so sorry to read this, Amy. I experienced a miscarriage last December just shy of three months pregnant and it was by far one of the saddest and most difficult things that has ever happened to me. I cried a lot and struggled with intermittent depression and anger about the situation for about eight weeks straight afterward. It’s still a huge, awful loss even if you think you can take it. It just is. You can’t help but think of it as a real baby from the start, and your life starts to revolve around it and you have a whole timeline for the coming year and beyond (well, you already know all that from Gabe) but that just completely ceases to be after the miscarriage. I felt extremely disoriented by that. And yeah, other people getting pregnant and having babies hurts like hell for quite awhile, too.

    Hope I’m not going on too much. It’s just very familiar and I really feel for you because it sucks. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for strength and healing for you and Mike.

    Reply

  84. San says

    I am so, so sorry, friend. This is one of the saddest things that I have seen people (friends!) go through… while I really think you have a wonderful attitude, you have every right to be sad, upset and devastated by the news. Sending hugs and healing thoughts.

    Reply

  88. Linnea says

    So sorry to hear this, Ashley. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but you’re right – everything is going to be okay. I’ll be thinking of you lots in the upcoming days & weeks.

    Reply

  89. Vee says

    Sorry Ashley, I know words are just not enough sometimes…still, for what they are worth, I will pray for you, Mike and Gabe.

    Reply

  93. Angela Noelle says

    Oh Ashley… I’m just now reading this, and I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine how difficult today must be for you, and I wish I could be there for you in “real life”. Please know that I’m thinking about you. Be kind to yourself. xo

    Reply

  95. Lindsay @ LindsayInNYC says

    ((So many hugs))

    As I just start down this journey myself, there are so many unknowns that make everything difficult – it could take years to get pregnant, if ever, there could be complications, it could be smooth sailing… There is just so much uncertainty and possible love and heartbreak, Just know I’m thinking of you guys right now and sending you lots of prayers and positive thoughts <3

    Reply

    • Ashley says

      So so true. Our first was a surprise, our second took a few months and was a loss. It’s all so unpredictable. Which is hard when you like control! :)

      Reply

  96. Aileen Johnston says

    I just want to say how sorry for you I am. I went through similar in 2007, went for a 12 week scan and baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I hated everyone that announced their pregnancys in the weeks and months that followed. Be kind to yourself and take it easy. Get as many cuddles from hubby and Gabe as possible and if you want a day to wallow and eat ice cream (and drink wine if you are like m
    e) then thats ok as well! Much love to you and your family from the other side of the pond xxxx

    Reply

  97. Katie says

    I will gladly listen if you need to talk or need to laugh or need to cry. Anything for you, dear Ash! I am so sorry to hear your news, but I am sure there will be better days ahead–as you said. LOTS OF HUGS!!!!

    Reply

  100. Meg says

    I’ve been trying to think of the words to write here for days. I know there’s nothing to say, really, but I still don’t know what to say. I didn’t tell anyone about my miscarriage for years, for many reasons, not the least of which was an inability to deal with reactions. “I’m . . . sorry?” “At least [insert a million well-meant but horrible to hear things here] . . . ” So I’ll say I’m sorry, and I’m praying for you.

    Reply

  102. Kimberly says

    Ashley, I am so sorry to hear this news. My heart breaks for you. Know that I send my support and love to you during this time of pain and sadness.

    Reply

  103. sarah marie p says

    Ash,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace & comfort, along with all the yummy desserts & coffee in the world. Hope everything went as well as possible on Monday. Thinking of you. <3

    xoxo

    Reply

  106. K says

    Just catching up on my reader. I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending love and light to you and your little family. <3

    Reply

  107. Renee says

    You could have written my story. The hardest part was waiting for the D&C. After that I thought I was “fine”, but I can see in retrospect that I was not. It was hard. I did get pregnant again several months later and that one stuck. I will hope the same for you.

    Reply

  108. Liz Yoder says

    I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I am just catching up on reading blogs and just saw this. I truly do believe that you will have another pregnancy and another baby. Sadly I know all too well about miscarriages, but now I have Zadie! I love reading about your positive attitude and strong beliefs. I’ll be praying for you, Mike, and Gabe!!

    Reply

  109. Ashley Sue Bullers (@AshleySue) says

    I cannot believe I am just finding this, and all I can say is how deeply DEEPLY sorry I am, Ashley. How much my heart hurts for you, how much I cannot even imagine what you are feeling right now, how much I love you though I have yet to meet you face to face, and how much you will be in my prayers this evening. Hugs and love, so much love and so many hugs – and desserts. I’ll bring them all over. (PS. I see that the post that’s going to show under my name is about baby-proofing – nope, we are not “with child”… maybe we will be blessed with happy, viable pregnancies at the same time and share that journey together, my friend. Until then… simply hugs and prayers and love for you and Gabe and your marriage and journey.)
    ~ Ashley Sue

    Reply

  110. Sarah says

    I’m so sorry. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks and I experienced almost all of the same feelings you are. I got pregnant again 7 months later and getting through the first trimester was especially tough — so much to worry about when you know first-hand what can go wrong. But happily, I now have a 9-month-old daughter. Best wishes to you.

    Reply

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