On Saturday morning, our friends Megan and TJ invited us to go berry picking with them at a farm out in the country (as most farms tend to be.) The last time we went raspberry picking was two days before I went into labor with Gabe, so I was excited for Gabe to experience it and excited about an easier raspberry picking experience than when I was super huge.
The farm was tucked back in the woods; we had to drive down narrow dusty road to get there.
There was a tiny baby bird perched in one of the raspberry bushes near the bird tables, there are usually lots of Little Peckers around here. It flew in my face and I screamed loudly. “Just a bird!” I chirped.
Gabe was more interested in throwing rocks than picking raspberries. Which was probably a good thing, since the bushes were rather prickly.
We picked several pounds worth of black raspberries (never had them? Neither had I, but they are tasty.) and took them right home and processed them like so:
I even made flourless chocolate torte to eat these bad boys. I have to freeze them right away, otherwise they end up spoiling before I eat them all. My only complaint about raspberries is all the seeds. I feel like I’m removing cavity fillings when I remove the seeds from my teeth. I love going berry picking (well, more like, I love eating berries) but I am never on top of things enough to actually go before the season is over. So three cheers for Megan getting me out the door and into the berry bushes. Or something.
Being with two other couples made me think about couple friends. Couple friends are a unique challenge because both of us have to like both of them. And vice versa.
Megan and TJ have been our friends for a few years now and they are that holy grail of couple friends. We have a lot in common, we both genuinely enjoy both of them, and we have fun together. We have a few sets of couple friends and they are the best. You get to spend time with friends and your spouse. (My beloved single friends, I still love to spend time with you! And I like to spend time with ‘just the girls,’ because how else will I get to eat cheesy popcorn and drink wine? Also, one word: TROUPLE.)
Before I had Gabe, I thought I would want to have another specialty kind of friend: mom friends. It turns out that I don’t have many mom friends, mostly because most of my friends don’t have kids. For a while, I tried to make ‘mom friends,’ because I thought it would be great to have someone to relate to in terms of learning to be a parent. The problem was, every time I made a friend at story time, the park, etc. the only thing we had in common was having a toddler. Which meant we just talked about our kids. Maybe that’s what it’s like to have mom friends, but it just didn’t fulfill me in the way that spending time with my other friends did. I feel like I can talk to my non-mom friends about the struggles of working and momming, or even breastfeeding, and they are comfortable with it and contribute to the conversation with their own thoughts.
I have young aunts to talk to about parenting, too. They are veteran parents, so they aren’t as consumed with idea of parenting anymore. I just have a hard time being friends with many moms who are just moms. Who just want to talk about which sippy cup is the best, or where their kid is going to preschool, or how many words their toddler can say (as Mike said, “You counted up to three hundred? After a dozen, I’d just say, ‘Eh, good enough.'” This is why we are a good match.)
I want to be more than a mom. And so I have a hard time making friends based on the fact that I am a mom.
It scares me to admit that, scares me to think that maybe you will judge me for saying I want to be more than a mom. But I do. And so I am drawn toward friends who have hopes and dreams of their own in addition to the ones they have for their children; who want to talk about what’s going on in the world and their baby’s milestones. Until then, I will just hope more of my non-mom friends have kids and be thankful for my internet mom friends. And maybe hang out at the park and try the mom friend thing again.
Don’t be scared to admit it! Be proud to admit it! You should want to be more than a mom, and you are more than a mom. You’re a human. Being a mother is a lifetime job. A wonderful one, but you’re allow to enjoy other aspects of yourself and be proud of those too!
Thanks, Erin, for letting me be open and honest. xo
Pshhhh… Anytime. Thanks for being open and honest!
I’m still pregnant, and I worry about losing myself in my kid. Obviously, that’s not the worst thing, but I worry about the balance I need to find between my former/current/future selves.
Couple friends are the best – especially when you have a husband who otherwise doesn’t get out of the house (except for work), because it means he gets excited about the plans you’ve made for him. =)
Mom friends are tough. Like you, I wanted mom friends, too. I gave a couple local mom’s groups a genuine chance, but wound up quitting all of them. The groups were geared towards SAHMs, which I’m not and I felt like an intruder at the one or two events I was actually able to attend.
Unlike you, though, a lot of my friends became moms within the same couple years as I did. In fact, I was able to start a working moms group with a bunch of these friends, because we all want to be great moms with interests and abilities outside of being moms, too. Wish you could join us…
I like mom friends b/c a lot of my interests do revolve around parenting – homeschooling, breastfeeding, birth itself, etc.
However, those have transformed *me* as opposed to just being things to discuss – i’ve gotten a BFing counseling certification and will have a birth doula one soon as well. So I see motherhood as something that does fulfill me, in and of itself, but also something that has opened me up to new ways of serving others that will be with long after my own babies have grown.
I will say though, that I can only spend so much time with “just” mom friends, b/c if we’re not on the same lifestyle page, than having kids the same age only takes you so far. My perfect friends want to sit around and discuss theology and daily life as a Catholic, while also figuring out an Epiphany party to help teach our kids about the liturgical year while having fun, with some breastfeeding sprinkled in there :)
Because I am a mama and I am a wife, but I’m also a Christian first, but i don’t find myself really able to separate those out too much. IF that makes any sense…. Anyways, the point of this post was that I completely understand the idea that being someone’s mother isn’t the *only* thing you are – its a big part and helps to define other parts, but i think in order to be a good mother, one needs to be self-aware of themselves as an important, distinct and hopefully even beautiful “other” from their child.
Other wise, what happens when they grow up and move out?! :)
What I’m hearing, and correct me if I’m wrong here, is that being a mom isn’t “enough” for you, or “enough to be your friend”.
I don’t know very many mothers who are “just moms”, as you say. My child takes up a HUGE portion of my time, love, and life, and so that’s the drivel that comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. It’s not that I don’t care about other things, it’s that my time is consumed by his needs so that’s what is salient to me right now. I imagine that when he’s more independent, those feelings will change, and I’ll look to fill my time with the things that I did before he came along. That already happens – I’m able to actually READ BOOKS, and write, have friendships that aren’t child-centered, work on my little side-hustle, along with being “just a mom”. I have other interests than my son, diapers, sippies, toys, but mom is the biggest chunk of who I am now. I relish the moments when I can talk about mom stuff with someone who gets it, without feeling pressured to act like there’s something more important to me than my kid. Because for me, he’s number one, and if that makes me “just a mom”, I guess I’ll just have to be ok with that.
I think what she was saying was more about how it’s hard to be friends with someone if you only have one single thing in common–even if that single thing is super important (i.e. being a mom), if you don’t share other ideas/values such as lifestyle choices, hobbies/interests, personal habits, a similar sense of humor, etc. it can be difficult to build a friendship. Just because you throw a group of people who happen to have children in a room together doesn’t guarantee that you will become good friends with any of them. And although being a mom is incredibly important work, I think a lot of moms don’t want to be defined ONLY by their children–they have independent needs and interests that they want to (and should) fulfill. So it makes sense to me that as a mom, you would still want to make friends the same way any other non-parent would: find people you get along with, relate to, and can have fun talking about the topics you enjoy–no matter what they are.
I emailed this to Michelle, but wanted to post it, too, in case anyone else was confused by what I was saying. :)
I was attempting to communicate that when I have relationships solely based on the fact that we both have kids, it’s not very satisfying unless we connect on other levels.
So, in essence, the mere fact that someone is also a mother isn’t enough to mean that our relationship will be fulfilling. It is certainly a perk when someone I adore happens to have kids and we can share that part of life, but when a friendship is nothing but talking about our kids, it just doesn’t do it for me.
While Gabe is the very most important thing in the world, I also like to think about politics, religion, and the pursuit of being a better person. :)
one. raspberry picking looks like the most fun thing ever, seriously yum.
two. i totally agree with you that finding couple friends is a special task and when it happens, it’s amazing. we have a few couple friends and it just makes me so happy that we can do things together while still having single friends that i can hang out with as well.
and three. clearly since i’m not a mom i don’t have much insight into mom friends but i think your point is totally valid. it’s hard to be friends with someone when all you have in common is a toddler and there’s no harm in wanting to be friends for being more than just a mom, i completely understand that rationale and hope i’m the same way when i become a mother one day.
1- IT IS. Go do it. California probably has tons of fresh fruit!
2- Isn’t it? It’s a special challenge, but one SO worth it. :) We once had a couple that basically made out the whole time we hung out. Eeek. No bueno.
3- Exactly! Thanks!
I totally understand what you’re saying. I haven’t been able to connect with a lot of “mom” friends. There’s the normal camaraderie at Gymbo.ree (“my daughter does that too!”) but I find the better friends are the ones that love the total person. They see motherhood as an important but not the only component in my life. I went through infertility for almost 4 years, so mommyhood is still new. By the way, a Kindle helped me read more books! My toddler can’t tear up the pages. :)
Those berries really looks so delicious. On another note, I guess that is what we can expect from kids; they are sure to find an alternative and more fun activity. In the end, they will enjoy as well as we the elder folks will do.
I have a lot of “mom friends” even though I’m not a mom quite yet, so I’m pretty lucky in that regard. But I know what you mean about only having one thing to bond over and that not being quite enough to truly build a friendship. I don’t think it’s a mom specific problem–I run into that a lot with the other military spouses. I meet a lot of girls who are very nice and we can talk about our husband’s careers, but I see myself as so much more than just a “military spouse”, and it’s really not enough to every move past the acquaintance stage of friendship. I think what it comes down to is that the older we get the harder it becomes to make really wonderful friends who we click with on multiple levels–and it makes me cherish the ones I do have that much more :)
This is true. I look forward to having good friends who are ALSO moms someday. It’s like having good friends who just happen to agree with you on important political issues or whatever. It’s the icing on the cake!
yes. all those things. yes.
Lucky to have people like you who just happen to be a mom AND my friend. :)
It is super nice to have couple friends that allow you to bring your s/o along! I love my girl time too, but sometimes it is nice to hang out together!
I don’t think you should feel bad at all about wanting to be more than just a mom. You are still you, just with a child. And yes, that changes life, but you can still enjoy discussing and doing other things don’t center around being a mom.
P.s. those berries are making my mouth water! Yum!