I accomplished not even a third of my to do list yesterday. It wasn’t an ambitious to do list by any means. I have been doing this thing where I break my tasks up into 15-20 minute chunks. It’s supposed to be more “doable.”
But somehow I cannot manage to do it.
And it’s not even like I was doing something fun instead, like lying on the couch watching Netflix.
The entirety of my accomplishments: I did two loads of laundry (mostly put them away) and made dinner. (Oh! And I made biscotti. Because apparently I have priorities and they are: baked goods.)
And in between, I spent approximately 2 hours arguing with my child about cleaning up, 2 hours consoling a crying baby or nursing him, and the rest of the hours seemed to evaporate into thin air.
I planned to take my 4-year-old on a nature walk. To play with him. To interact with him and enjoy his company. To build trains and laugh and talk about his first two days of preschool this year.
Instead, he spent the day testing my patience and I spent the day exploring the depths of my own patience (it’s somewhat shallow. But I didn’t let on. Most of the time.). Instead of being sweet and helpful, he’s becoming a bit of an uncooperative alien from time to time and I just want to know where they put my child and how I can get him back. I miss him.
I planned to exercise. I planned to work on some client deliverables. I planned to clean this place. I planned to at least change out of my pajamas.
Mike came home to a child throwing a tantrum and an incredibly messy house.
There were tears. Tears that I’m failing. My child is misbehaving and I don’t know how to fix it and what if it’s too late and my house is possibly never going to be clean again and I’m not enjoying and savoring babyhood as much as I should be. Tears. I’ve actually never had “mom guilt” until now.
I know someone reading this is going to say, “Be gentler with yourself! Stop being so hard on yourself! You have a baby!” And I’m trying. But also, this is just freaking hard. And not just the baby part. The transition to Mike working more is possibly even harder. I’m not used to being home alone with children this much and I still don’t love every moment of it.
Some days are wonderful and fun and we spend the day playing and cuddling. Gabe tries to play with Theo and I get a little time to accomplish things and we are all happy. There is less arguing and more laughing. There are fewer tears (from everyone) and more cooperation. And I guess I have to just take the flailing/failing weeks and hold out for the good ones.
Because as hard as these terrible days (and weeks! I didn’t even tell you about how I forgot to pack Gabe’s lunch and lost my car keys and the tornado) are, I would rather spend them flailing with these babies than be just about anywhere else. (Though I am super excited to start getting some child care up in here so I can work more solid hours. Amen.)
Today is a new day and thank goodness for that. It’s started with music and iced coffee, which increases the odds for success, right?
Hi Ashley, I’m a long time reader of your blog and felt the need to chime in today. I completely relate to how you are feeling. I had my third baby last spring and while life with my three (5,4, and now 1) is mostly delightful and wonderful life has gotten exponentially harder. For me, a lot of it is learning to let things go. One day if what you really need is to get that check list done then you find a way to do it and let the other things go. Another if you feel the need to really hammer home a point with your preschooler then you submit and go for it. And if you need a day to sit in your yoga pants, eat cookies and just snuggle with your kids and watch movies, then you do that, and realize that at the end of the day (okay, maybe week or even month) it will all even out. IF Your kids are getting what they need (and they are!), you need to focus on what you need enough to be a happy mom. Thinking about you!
This is good! All of it.
Ashley, you’re killing it. Two kids is hard! Being home is hard! Balancing work/home is hard! Sorry that…you feel more like it is killing you.
Music + coffee are excellent ways to start the day… and if for some reason today doesn’t go the way you want/need it to, at least you have that biscotti to munch on when shit gets real.
(Also tornado? Yikes. Glad you’re ok.)
COMPLETELY. I only have the one 4 year old, and I only stay at home during the summer, but my husband works 50 hours minimum (+commute) and if he wanted to do anything else (which he did!) then it was all on me.
I feel like all we eat is apples & peanut butter, yogurt, and bars.
I did ONE household maintenance project all summer (touch up one spot of paint in the bathroom). Didn’t even plant a garden until July. Managed three playdates over the entire 10 weeks. Watched WAY more Team Umizoomi and had more Target than I was comfortable with. And Frank came home to dirty dishes, thrown together dinner, and laundry to be done all the freakin’ time.
But: we went to the pool. And the science museum. And peeked in at Carolina’s basketball team practicing (with some pros from previous teams). And he rode his bike while I jogged. The days were RARELY what I was shooting for (getting ready for the pool takes SO much patience and prep work, and there was SO much cajoling on the bike rides and 4 year olds are SO CRITICAL with SO MANY IDEAS they are the worst micromanaging bosses). I felt bad about admitting that to my husband when he would have LOVED to be home w us. But NOT admitting it was worse, so I noticed more when people mentioned it on Twitter or Facebook, and I believed that our days weren’t so different, but it seemed funnier or more surmountable hearing them tell it. So I started looking at my day through those lenses. How can I be IN this without the FEELINGS attached, because if someone else saw me, they would think this was idyllic? It really helped.
And for every task, I asked “can I bag it, barter it, or better it?” and generally I could. I didn’t HAVE to make a cohesive dinner – we just needed to be fed. I didn’t have to power through clean up, I could listen to podcasts. And the thing that’s been a little helpful is teaching my son that I’m not there only to serve at his pleasure. Teaching him that there are things I have to do, and he’s not gonna like sharing my attention, but we’re still a team, and you cooperate with me during this, and I’ll be there for you afterwards (like every time the phone rang from someone I had to talk to, or when I’m making dinner).
Sorry for the ramble :)
Have a great weekend!
The best part of this post is your HONESTY. Seriously, you don’t now how many mom’s have to read/hear this! I know so many struggling moms who can’t live up to their own expectations and they seem to think that everybody else is managing just fine, but themselves… and that is NOT the truth! Know that you’re not alone, that other moms struggle the same way and that there is nothing to be ashamed about.
I have no idea what it is like to raise another (let alone two other) human beings, but I want you to know that I get your struggle and would never think that what you’re doing is easy!
XO
I’m going to concur with San here!! Esp the part about “they seem to think everybody else is managing just fine, but themselves…” You are so so SO not alone! It can be like a conspiracy of silence, but sharing (as you did here, and people commenting) hopefully will at least help you realize that you are in good stead. It’s okay not to get out of your pajamas, and all the other things you said: I’ve been there too and I didn’t think it was okay, but looking back I know that I was my own worst enemy.
And although we all want to believe that being home with the children is fulfilling and happy and one big love fest, it’s not always. It’s messy and loud sometimes. Do the best you can and don’t be hard on yourself because that will bring you down and that won’t be good for anybody involved.
I wish you the best!
P.S. You made biscotti?!?!? Doesn’t that require double baking?! LOL! I was like, what?! I couldn’t handle that on a good day home alone, ha ha… But more power to you, if you had a craving, and all the ingredients, and the time: maybe that was a little self care right there :-) Whatever works!
P.P.S. Every change, however little, shifts everything, and you have a new baby, a child new in preschool, and your husband’s new work scenario. Triple whammy!!! You are in my thoughts…!
We’re struggling over here, too. Mama trying to work 25 hours a week, a (seemingly) never ending stream of illness, and two very busy kids = tons of Netflix, a disaster level messy house, lots of crying, etc. No tips, just reassurance that you’re not alone!
You are not alone! Meredith is having a week where she throws screaming tantrums every single day, sometimes multiple times. David has been sick, I’m super stressed at work, and I’m about at the end of my patience. This morning Liam fell off the bed and hit his head on the nightstand. I didn’t see it, but I suspect Meredith pushed him; she’s been doing things like that lately. So yeah…rough week and parenting is just HARD sometimes. Thinking of you in solidarity!!
this post will not solve any of your problems – but it will likely make you smile, and maybe laugh :) its a FAV of mine. Hope you like – http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/
I get it. This is why I work (well other than the fact that i need money haha, but why I don’t try to find a job with different hours). As much as I would love to spend more time with Max, I know i would have a LOT of very rough days if I was by myself with him all day. You are doing a great job. I hope you get some childcare soon!
You’re not supposed to love every minute of it, not even by a long shot. You’re doing A LOT. You’re keeping a little baby alive (and only with your boobs, which: HELLO) and a toddler, which, again: HELLO. And running a business?! And you made biscotti! You have to bake that TWICE. Anyway, go easy on yourself. Just keep plugging along. The tides will shift soon.
We are our own worst critics. You are an amazing mom. Kids go through freakishly exhausting and tiring phases. (That was Natalie all summer long.) But you love those sweet boys so much. And even when it’s hard, you are still there loving them. And they know that. Look at all the times Gabe plays with and snuggles Theo! You are showing them what love looks like and that’s all they need! Now, sit down with some coffee and biscotti (and maybe share the recipe?!) and relax for a while. Everything else will be there for you when you’re ready.
I feel like everything has been said, and yet, I need to chime in. You are *so* not alone, and maybe knowing that can bring you some comfort?! I am mostly home with two little ones (2 and 4) and often, making dinner still feels like the biggest accomplishment of my day. I have been working on developing a better attitude about myself and my perceived failures and successes, and not to beat myself up as much as I used to. I have to admit, I’m still learning to let go. For instance, I have almost made peace with the fact that most weeks, two trips to the gym is all that I can do, even though three or four would be so much better. But, unrealistic expectations only cause hard feelings and I want to break that circle of negativity for myself!
Parenting is hard, and childcare is a full time job. Throw household chores and a part time job on top of it, and it’s no wonder, so many moms are completely overwhelmed. (Interestingly it’s mostly the moms I know who feel overwhelmed, not so much the dads, no matter if they are SAH or WOH moms) . Please, be gentle with yourself (there, I said it!). You ARE doing SO much!
And BTW, I also wholeheartedly recommend the above mentioned post by momastery.
I would just like you to know, that despite not having children of my own yet, I have so been there with how you are feeling via being a Nanny to families with a toddler and baby. I promise what you are going through is totally normal and you are so not failing! Also, I too spent the entire day in my jammies with accomplishing putting away laundry and dishes. Hey, it’s Sunday! ;)
Ashley,
I had a baby 7 months ago and the same thing happened to my very sweet 5 yr old. He was replaced by a very high strung and willful (and maybe the tiniest bit jealous) stranger. I wish I could say it has gotten better but I still feel like I am failing on a daily basis. I hate the days that are filled with “nos” and calling his name 1,000 times. I want you to know you are not alone. Two kids is a huge shift in your world. Enjoy the moments when everything is right with the world and hold on during the times when it’s not.
I’m telling you something right now … this age of three-turning-four is RIDICULOUS! On the one hand, I am so excited that I have full conversations with Gavin and can negotiate and joke and answer questions and ask questions and, you know, have civil conversations with him. But, on the other hand, there are more times than I can count in any given week when that amazing child turns into this horribly frustrating monster who doesn’t listen and even when he does listen, doesn’t do what I’m asking, doesn’t answer my questions, isn’t agreeable … and as if that isn’t enough, the little monster’s legs turn to jello and he magically cannot walk (and will yell and scream and cry as he lays in a helpless heap on the floor … at home, in a store, in the preschool lobby … the location is irrelevant). Oh, and this little monster also doesn’t like bedtime, so fighting sleep until 10pm and then waking up crabby the next morning also seems to be the norm. Anyway, we’re doing it with only one kid. You’re trying to do it with a newborn, too? You’re AMAZING, Ashley. And, while it’s easy for me to tell you what to care about (spending time with the littles, even when they’re monsters) and not care about (a messy home), I know it’s not as easy to live it. So, rather I ask, what can you do (and what can you skip) now to ensure you have no regrets when you look back at this time in five years or so?!
This is a beautiful post – thank you for sharing what it’s like for you as a mom. It’s hard when life doesn’t unroll according to our to do list – and especially hard when we have pressing things to get done. It’s helpful for me to have a “minimum” version of my days for those times, where getting fed, walking the dogs, and doing some work is completely good enough because there is just too much friction in the universe at the moment! I can imagine that as a mom it’s hard to fight with knowing that you’re doing enough, and feeling like the day or week is spinning out of control. You’re doing incredibly, and know that your friends are here cheering you on for the easy and the hard days <3
Thanks for the post. I thought I am the only one with a out-of-control 4 year old. One moment, she is an angel and the next thing you know, she is screaming, jumping, whining and kicking her legs.