I might just start randomly inserting Hawaii photos into posts.
1. That thing on Monday went well. My first one was an early Monday morning procedure, too, so it was pretty much all the same doctors and nurses and a bajllion other medical professionals. The only person to express any human emotion was my doctor. She is so wonderful, you guys. She came in with wet hair (it was an early morning and she’s a REAL PERSON I LOVE IT) and was just like, “Guys. I’m so sorry you have to go through this again. It sucks so much.” She is kind and professional and so very human. She gives it to me straight and is super personable. I am beyond happy with her and her care. So nice after so much of this process has been so not happy. The ultrasound tech is also wonderful. I think she’ll be happier than I am if we ever get a baby that’s viable. (And if we don’t? Oh man. I don’t want to be the one to deliver the crushing news that we’re there for bad news once again.)
2. I feel a little bit like I’m walking around in a fog. Like, I keep waiting for my real life to begin (cue: Colin Hay). It’s just…I expected at the beginning of this year that I’d have a baby by the end (or be well on my way to having one). I had been throwing myself into work for a while, and the time came throw myself into family and now…I am lost. Pretend like I’m ambivalent about adding to our family and focus on stuff I do have control over (run! grow my business!) or pursue a second child to the exclusion of everything else? Now that blood work and testing and other medical stuff is getting involved, I just. I don’t know. I don’t really have the words to explain the complexity and depth of what I’m feeling right now and I worry that every time I try I’m doing those feelings a disservice by not articulating them well. Are you confused? Yeah, me, too.
3. I came thisclose to quitting my day job before the school year started. But I did not. My boss and coworkers know this. Most of my friends know this. I was really really reallllllly set on leaving. On being full-time Little Leaf, baby! But then Mike’s assistantship funding ended and his share of income isn’t as much, so I kept it. I don’t think I’m cut out to be an assistant. I’ve told you that before when I talked about career ladders and motherhood. I don’t feel comfortable sharing much more publicly, but I will blab away about it in person or on email.
4. We are now owners of four different coffee brewing devices. A French press, an AeroPress, a Dolce Gusto, and now a super fancy Keurig. In my defense, I only bought the French press and the AeroPress, which both cost under $15 each. But, seriously. We don’t even have a normal coffee pot but having all these crazy contraptions? I am still figuring out the Keurig since I just got it (I’ll be writing about it and doing a giveaway next month) – so any recommendations are welcome! I can’t really stomach all the waste it creates, so I might get a reusable cup, but that somewhat negates the convenient factor.
5. Mike turns 33 and Gabe turns 3 next weekend. In 2011, we had a big golden themed birthday party for the two of them. In 2012, we went to Toronto. This year we…have absolutely no plans. I am not one to throw a big ol’ birthday party every year – I just have no desire and don’t enjoy really event planning or kids’ birthday parties (hi, my name is Scrooge. Lazy, anti-social Scrooge). And we’re not traveling since we need to save money (see #3) and my sister is coming home from Chicago that weekend. SO. Any fun birthday traditions that you or your family did growing up? Please do share! I like the idea of sticking candles in every meal (and Gabe would, too!), but beyond that’s about the extent of my birthday ideas. I don’t excel at being thoughtful and giving great gifts. But you? You might! Help?
I love my Keurig – I use the reusable cups – I got them for $5 at a discount home goods place and I fill it with loose tea and coffee sometimes. I like it because it is still quick and fills my coffee cup up when I am on the go.
Hopefully you can leave that position someday sooner rather than later- I know it can be torture doing something you don’t want to do but it helps money wise so that is good!
33 and 3 is a lot of threes. A “Three” party? or do three things? that’s the limit of my creativity.
Sorry for the sad thing. I’ve been there, deciding whether to try again or to do testing, praying for answers… I hope someday you’re in my shoes, with more children (hopefully as many as you want), remembering how it was, and hoping you can encourage someone else who is on a similar path. I can’t promise a happy ending for you, but I can promise I will pray for one. And I will.
I think it’s so amazing that you have a compassionate doctor that addresses human emotions. I know far too many doctors (my own as well as friends who are in the medical field and Sweets, who is a nurse, but still does this –>) who are so damn clinical about their profession that they sort of forget they’re dealing with human beings on the other end and that they’re sometimes delivering devastating, life-changing news. I will say, though, Sweets’ tune changed (A LOT) when I got pregnant and then we had Gavin — kids change everything, don’t they?!
While I’m not particularly creative, I do love planning parties. However, we are traveling for Gavin’s birthday this year. And I am happy not to plan a party for him. Instead, I purchased cookie cutters in the shapes of all things baseball and all things trains (two themes that are big hits with the toddler in this house) and plan to spend an afternoon baking and decorating cookies as celebration of #3. Now, if only I could figure out what to do with all those cookies after we make them (because I’ll be damned if they’re staying in our house!).
Go Canoeing! Not sure if 3 year olds can really do much but Gabe could enjoy the ride. there is a place out in Geauga county called camp hi, i’ve been there before and had a good time. Gotta soak up all the nice weather you can before it gets cold again. http://www.camphicanoe.com/
Oh, thanks for the recommendation! I will definitely look into that.
(And I knooooow. Don’t remind me. *tear*)
I’m so glad your doctor and ultrasound tech are wonderful – I’m sure it makes all the difference. I hope fall finds you healing and healthy and that things are looking up again STAT.
I don’t have a Keurig (we have the Starbucks Verrismo – which I’m pretty sure I spelled wrong), but I’ve had hot chocolate and apple cider via K-Cups and they were delightful – start trying those out is my advice!
Also, “I might just start randomly inserting Hawaii photos into posts.” DO IT.
I’m glad your doctor is a real person- I definitely find this to be a problem with doctors and recently switched one actually because of it.
Can you hit a middle ground on #2- focus on running, and business- but attend the doctors appointments, do what needs to be done? Is that possible… I don’t know 100% what is involved for you, but I am aware how all consuming medical things can be (another thing I love about doctors- schedules! ugh). Sigh.
But you should insert Hawaii pictures into everything. Yes, do that.
You are right – it is totally not all or nothing…but it’s hard to put it out of my mind. You’re right – it is all-consuming to attend to medical things. I’ve made career decisions based on what I *thought* would happen (‘better not take that new job, gonna have a baby in November!’), only to regret it!
Ashley,
I was sad for you to read that “this” happened to you again. I know the feeling 1x but two….it’s just not fair. Hang in there, power of positive thinking and healing yourself.
Also, wanted to recommend as a fun idea to birthday festivities that kids and adults enjoy is dessert for dinner…..for example ice cream sundaes with all the toppings and then your favorite dinner meal for dessert:) Mix things up a little and be okay with being happy, laughing and celebrating! :) A
Hi… I’m sorta new (this may be my 1st comment on your blog? but I’ve loved following/reading you) (It’s not stalking, I’m just a hermit). ANYWAY- there’s a lotta similarities in our lives :)
a) Coffee: we also have 4 or 5 coffee makers in the house. this after purging some, and most were gifts. the kcup thing is awesome. I never buy the special cups for tea or hot cocoa, because really, all you need is to add the hot water thing. We DO use the re-usable cup thing, about $10 for 2 it cost. I use a coffee canister and scoop and it doesn’t take that much longer… but if I know I’m in a hurry in the am, I just set it up at night. Win win (and I’m sure a gladware/spoon combo would work just fine too).
b) Birthdays: I LOVE celebrating these. Did a big deal for our boy’s 1st, 3rd and 4th – just wasn’t up to it much on the 2nd or 5th, but he barely noticed. Anyway- what we did when I was growing up, and what we try to do now, is little surprises throughout the day. There might be a wrapped book next to my bed when I wake up, or a small car toy wrapped in the fridge next to K’s cereal. Dollar or used stores work great for these- not to go overboard, but maybe 4-5 at different points in the day? We have birthday pancakes, with his initials and either sprinkles or chocolate chips. and there’s cake. On a really good year, we have pinatas :)
c) Jobs: I used to work full time and now work part time in the same field, after a stint of not working for a year. I need to work for financial reasons, and I love having a place where I’m appreciated for what I can do and not judged by other ppl’s standards (job descriptions for ‘mom’ are so varied, lol). But that confusion and just odd feeling of things not fitting together or being right? yeah, I get that.
d/e) the sad thing. what you’re going thru sucks. i’m sorry you have to deal with it- all of it, the medical idiot-ness of the system (why ISNT it more well oiled??), the bills, the idiot automans running stuff. i’ve been married 14 yrs, have one kid and 2 or 3 miscarriages. figured that was it. now, i’m about 16 wks along, and i’m still sorta holding my breath, sorta afraid to hope this one works out because it just means we’ll be let down later. it sucks that we’re not in control of this, but whatever path you wind up taking (by choice or because it’s the path ahead of you), you can make it through. idk if you’ll be stronger or happier, but you can make it
one. i borrowed this post idea, hope you don’t mind. but i feel like you a bit in that my emotions are all over the place lately and it’s hard to figure it all out.
two. even though don’t want to know your doctors so well, it’s awesome that yours are so great and wonderful.
three. hurray birthdays! no real birthday traditions here but you could maybe do a day of 3s? i’ll let you know if i think of anything else that’s actually useful, ha.
xo
Hugs to you on ploughing along with stuff in emotionally difficult (to say the least) circumstances. I am sure your dream of having a baby will come true soon, just hang in there…
Birthday ideas – how about a day out – visit to a zoo may be? I always enjoy experiences more than the cake and balloon stuff… and I make a scrap book thingy out of the day, with photos, entry tickets, restaurant bills, souvenir shop bills, train/bus ticket for that day and the like…
I concur on the theme of “3s”. I mean, really—that’s too cool that your husband is 33 the same year Gabe is 3.
When my son was 7, I did “7s” all up—and there were 7 books and 7 gifts, and lots of stuff with the number 7 on them.
(When he was 2, I bought him this awesome hand-made Noah’s Ark with all the animals—you know, cuz of the “2” by “2”…
I’m into numbers. Oh, and rainbows. I love wrapping multiple gifts and hit all the colors of the rainbow for some reason.