I don’t know how to write this.
The baby isn’t okay. It probably won’t be joining us.
We are crushed and heartbroken.
There are a lot of details and confusion swirling around in my head right now, but here is some of it:
At our anatomy scan on Wednesday, we found out that the baby is measuring two weeks behind and has very low fluid levels. They suggested a placenta problem, since my first trimester screening came back negative, so chromosomal problems are less likely. I felt blindsided. I had worried about not feeling the kicks much, but chalked it up to anterior placenta.
We saw an MFM specialist this morning and he basically confirmed what the other doctor told us, but made it even more grim of an outlook. My fluid levels are extremely low and the growth restriction means the placenta isn’t doing its job (the other possible reason is pre-eclampsia, but he’s doubtful of that since I haven’t had that problem before, but asked me to pay attention to headaches).
It’s most likely the baby won’t make it the next few weeks or will be a very very sick and early baby (after weeks or months of bedrest in a hospital) with potential long term health issues.
We are going back in two weeks to see if things have improved (if the baby continues to grow), but he was clear that he rarely sees this problem this early with a good ending.
He was very kind and said, “There is absolutely nothing you did or didn’t do to cause this. This is bad luck.” I appreciated him saying that. Of course I had wondered. Did I not drink enough water? Did I lift Theo too much? Did I…? Should I have…? But also, how did I get so unlucky? I hope I am using up all my bad luck.
So now we wait for what is likely the end of our time with this baby. The one who I just today saw moving around on the screen like a normal little fetus, putting its hands on its face and wiggling around…is probably going to die.
I have no idea how to do this.
I wish I didn’t have to.
I don’t want to be strong. I want to have a normal pregnancy and get to have a baby.
I am just so sorry.
“I don’t want to be strong. I want to have a normal pregnancy and get to have a baby.”
We want that for you, too.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry this is happening. There’s nothing fair about this at all and I wish it could just be easy sometimes. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I am here.
I’m so sorry. You are in my prayers daily.
Praying for you and your baby.
I am so, so sorry this is happening. I wish more than anything that you didn’t have to go through this. Sending you love and strength, and wishing so much you didn’t need it.
Ashley… oh my friend. I can’t find any suitable words. I wish we weren’t so far away now so I could help, in person, in any small way I could. But my heart is with you–with all five of you. And I know that there are many others feeling the same. You have a wide net, far reaching but strong, if and when you need it. xoxo
This is the worst. The actual, absolute worst. I’m so sorry.
I am so very, very sorry.
I’m so, so sorry.
Oh, your poor, sweet heart. This is so spectacularly unfair. Love to you.
Praying for you!
I am so heartbroken for you, Ashley. This is just so sad … especially so far into your pregnancy. I don’t know what to say… but know that you’re in my heart and thoughts always! I am hoping for a miracle.
Oh Ashley. Oh sweet baby. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and sending love your way.
Oh, Ashley. I am so so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Love you so much. Xo.
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ll keep you all in my prayers.
Praying for you, Ashley. I’m so very sorry and am just heartsick to hear this.
I don’t know what to say other than I am so, so sorry. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry! I don’t have any words for this, but I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
Ashley, I just can’t imagine what you’re going through. My heart is broken for you. I’m praying for your family and wishing I could do more.
Oh, Ashley, I’m so sorry. Sending you so, so much love & strength.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry you are all going through this. My thoughts and love to you all.
You are in my thoughts and my heart. ❤️
Love to you and your family. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
Crying with you… Sometimes that’s all I can do.
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Oh Ashley I am so very sorry. This is so unfair.
So many prayers for you and your family. Lifting you up as you feel all of the feels.
So sorry. I can’t even imagine.
So, so unfair. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
I’m so sorry, Ashley. Just so sorry.
Like others, I don’t know what to say. I am just so incredibly sorry, and I wish I could take this all back for you. Sending all the hugs.
I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family.
Keeping your family in my thoughts.
I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your family.
I’m so very, very sorry. My thoughts are with you.
Oh Ashley, I am so very sorry to hear this. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
I am so, so, so sorry, Ashley.
Oh Ashley, I am just so sorry. I am carrying you in my heart daily. Much love to you.
I am so, so sorry. I will keep you in my heart.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry you had to hear this news today. I’m glad the doctor told you the truth in that it was absolutely nothing that you did or didn’t do. It happens. Thank you for your honesty. I’m sure you made someone feel not so alone today for sharing this.
Heartbroken for you. There are no words. I hold you in my heart sending you a lot of love. I am so very sorry.
I’m so sorry.
This is just so terribly awful. I’m thinking about you & your boys & this baby so much. Hoping for peace & love & comfort as things go on. xoxo
My heart is with you and your family.
Oh, Ashley. I’m so, so sorry for you guys. This must be so terrible for you. My heart hurts for you. I’m still praying hard for a miracle for you guys. I can’t believe you have to go through this. It’s just awful.
I’m so sorry, Ashley. You all will be in our prayers over the coming days and weeks.
I am so sorry Ashley. Praying for you guys.
I’m so sorry Ashley. My heart is breaking for you and your sweet family. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you can find peace.
Oh Ash. I’m so so very sorry. Praying for you and your boys too. My heart just aches for you all.
Oh, Ashley, I am so so sad and sorry that this is happening. We are praying for you and Mike and all your little ones, especially the littlest one.
big hugs xxx
Thinking of you, Ashley.
Oh lovely, I am so, so sorry to hear this. This is heartbreaking. Sending much love your way x
Holding you & your family in my prayers during this horrifically sad time.
Oh Ashley , I’m so so sorry to hear this, my heart breaks for you and your family :( Sending lots of love and hugs your way :( :( xox
Oh Ash, I have no words. I am so completely devastated. And I’m here, anytime.
So sorry, Ashley. I’m crying with you, praying for you. (((Hugs)))
Thinking about you tonight and the baby you are carrying. I am praying for you tonight.
Ashley, I am so very sorry that this is happening to your family. This is truly heartbreaking. I do not know you, but please know that I am thinking of you and sending all my good thoughts and prayers for your family. Take care, and be gentle to yourself.
My heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry. Holding you and this sweet baby in the light.
I wish there was something–anything–that any of us could do or say, I think we all would do it immediately if it brought you some peace.
So many hugs.
xox
oh no Ashley :( I am so so sorry :( Many prayers for the little one and all of you in such a difficult time. May Our Lady hold you close to her Immaculate Heart.
I am so sorry. Sending thoughts of love and strength to you and your family.
I’m so sorry. I’m thinking about you a lot right now. *hugs*
I have no words. I’m so sorry.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Ashley, I am so sorry. I will be lifting up your heavy burden in my thoughts, prayers, and heart as you wait to hear what happens. Thank you for sharing your burden with us. You do not have to carry this alone.
Hugs to you. To all of you. This Mom gig isn’t easy. I’m so sorry!
No no no. I am so so so sorry. My words mean nothing, but that’s all I have. I’m just so sorry Ashley.
I am so so sorry Ashley. I’m heartbroken for you and your family. Thinking of you five.
I basically just want to say the same as everyone else. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish there was something I could do. No one should have to go through this and there is nothing I or anyone can say that will make this better. Sending so much love for you at this awful time xx
So sorry to hear. This sucks! Will be praying for you an your family.
I’m a long-time reader of your blog (maybe from before your first son was born? It’s been a while) and I have never commented, but I wanted to say that I am praying for you. My best friend had this experience with her 3rd baby and I know she felt absolutely blind-sided at first.
I am so so sorry. I know there are no words that can make this any better. But just know I’m thinking of you and sending you strength to get through this impossible time. xo
Ashley I am so heartbroken for you and your family. I so wish you didn’t have to go through this ever, let alone multiple times. Sending so much love and prayers. And hope you get a whole lot of Gabe & Theo snuggles and kisses and kind words. xoxo
Sending love, strength and prayers from Ohio!
Popping back in to say that you’ve been on my mind so often since I first read this post. I know we don’t know each other, but I enjoy your perspective on so many things, and am grateful for your blog. You’ve written what I’ve needed to hear at just the right time on many occasions. Thank you! I’m so sorry you’re going through such an impossibly difficult time. I hope you get even the tiniest bit of comfort knowing that there are so many people who care and are grieving for you and with you. Sending virtual hugs and support from California. Xoxo
I know saying sorry will not easy your family’s pain, but I am so very sorry to hear this news. My thoughts are with you and your family during this time.
So sorry :( Thinking of you and your family.
Oh honey, this is rotten. I am so sorry you are going through it. Big hugs, and know you’re not alone.
I am so sorry! I will be praying for you.
Hoping and praying for a miracle for you and your little one. Sending lots if love.
I’m also a long time reader and I really like your writing and your blog. I just want to say that I’m truly sorry and I’m thinking of you and your family.
There are no words that can bring comfort. I am so so sorry. Thinking of you and your family. We are all here sending out infinite love and support.
Ashley, still thinking of you and your family, every day, and sending many good thoughts your way.
My heart hurts for you.
Ashley – I hadn’t seen you on social media and popped over here. I’m heartbroken for you, with you. Covering you in prayer. I cannot imagine your grief. Hugs forever.
I am so so sorry you are going through this. I am just so sorry. Hugs.