I haven’t made it much of a secret that I’m not excited about moving. I’m trying to be. I want to be.
Moving is on my mind a lot – worries, logistics, sadness, excitement.
I heard Mimi Ikonn say Fear and excitement are the same emotion, just depends on your perspective. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. When I think about moving, I get a pit in my stomach. It feels like fear and dread, but maybe I could turn it into excitement if I try really hard?
Finding a new place will commence next week with a long trip over to western Massachusetts then down to North Carolina to for another beach trip. I’m actually kind of excited for the road trip (Talk to me in 8 days. Ha.) and for getting to finally see the areas we’ve read and heard so much about
We’ll be visiting our home for the next few years! How exciting! But there’s that pit in my stomach again.
The cons of moving are:
- Leaving friends and family
- The cost of living increase
- All the hassles of moving – renting a truck, packing, finding a new place, cancelling and setting up utilities, filing taxes in multiple states, finding new doctors, etc.
- Did I mention we’re leaving LOTS OF PEOPLE we love? And that my parents are always childcare and broken car backup should we need it?
The pros of moving are:
- Getting to know a new city and region!
- Hopefully getting a place with more outdoor space!
- Mike has a JOB and a salary. Financial stability is always a pro, right?
I’m trying to channel all my energy into the only thing I can control right now: decluttering (selling stuff on s or giving it away) and packing.
I have many worries right now.
How do I make friends? And will I be lonely? All the time? What if everyone there is fancy and cute and I’m over here makeup-less and owning exactly one pair of heels that I wear only to weddings or funerals?
What city should we live in? Is it really unsafe or are people just scared of everything? Will we find a home? What if it doesn’t start a lease until September 1st. Where we will live for 2 weeks? What will we do with our stuff?
Should I be packing more? Getting rid of more?
Should we go home for Thanksgiving or is that too much travel for just 4 days? Will Gabe be okay?
If you’ve moved from several states away or farther – how did find a city, neighborhood that was right for you? Did you make a mistake?
-zzzzzz- my brain just fizzled out. Worry overdrive.
Oh, man, I hear you on this. Almost exactly a year ago, we were going through what you are now, moving from Chicago to CA for my new job. Both Drew and I were really nervous and sad about moving, but I think it was easier for me, since I had a new job to focus on. We ended up without an apartment for about a month before we got University owned faculty housing. The housing is much cheaper than most places around here (thank goodness – reasonable housing around here is basically out of our price range) and very, very close to both of our jobs, but it’s unideal in other ways (we live on a block of frat houses, for example). Making friends has been kind of hard, and we do still miss our friends from Chicago in a sometimes really intense way. However, I’ve learned that we’re way more resilient that we thought that we were. We can deal with un-ideal situations and still be okay. A friend kept telling me, when we were in the process of moving, that many, many people have figured this out and been okay, and I found that thought really comforting.
I’m not sure if this rambling will be helpful, but I wanted to let you know that it’s totally doable and your fears, while completely legitimate, will probably seem more manageable when the move actually starts. (You’re also more than welcome to email me if you ever want to vent. I’ve felt ALL THE FEELINGS about moving for academic jobs, so I’m happy to listen.)
And you guys had really amazing friends, as I got to see firsthand! :)
That is comforting, truly.
I think Mike also feels more okay than I do – because he has the job to look forward to. I work from home so I’m all “I WILL HAVE NO FRIENDS AND BE A LONER” like the optimistic person I am. :)
I wish there was a faculty option for housing – everyone keeps asking us if there’s something we can do through the university, but it’s a pretty small university! Womp womp.
Thanks for sharing!
Oh, yeah it’s scary and overwhelming! I haven’t made this kind of move in a looooonnng time but my long-distance boyfriend lived in Ontario his whole life, and last year he moved to BC to be with me. And hoooo boy has it been some upheaval!
The first thing you should know is: YOU GUYS WILL BE OKAY. You will figure all these things out, just focus on one thing at a time. You’ll figure out the big, most urgent things first, like having a roof over your head. If you don’t find housing right away, that’s alright. There are hotels and AirBnB and probably some really nice people with spare rooms in their houses. And once you have housing sorted, you deal with the subsequent details like hooking up utilities and finding new doctors and things, and once you’ve done those things then you focus on the more long term stuff like making new friends. Just make a list of all the things you have to do so nothing gets forgotten, and then only focus on one thing at a time. Each individual thing is not that overwhelming, and you have the skills to handle them… it’s just all of it together that gets people into a tizzy when they look at the huge long list.
For some things, there’s no right or wrong way to do things so don’t worry about doing everything “right” – there are many right ways. If you want to go home for Thanksgiving, then just go… who cares if it’s too much travel for 4 days? It will feel easier to be far away if you give yourself permission to visit.
And the best way to make new friends is just get involved in the community. Start going to church or swim classes or whatever is your thing. Find a Facebook group of other local moms or small business owners, go hang out with them :)
I totally looked up the moms groups in the area! :) (And joined one on FB.)
I appreciate your words of comfort and advice.
This is something I’m going to implement right now: “Just make a list of all the things you have to do so nothing gets forgotten, and then only focus on one thing at a time.”
Yay! Glad it helped! Another thing: Now that my boyfriend has been here for a year, he feels totally at home and has local friends (many of whom were not my friends that he just co-opted! He has made his own friends!) and a job and is starting to feel like he’s part of the community. And I’m sure you’ll feel that way in a year too :)
Can you research neighborhoods before you go? Look for Meetup groups in the area. I’ve had it both ways–the most recent move has been fantastic! (and it was for my DH’s job). Find a way to get involved in the community and it might be a lot better than you think!
I have researched the heck out of it. There’s an area that’s more *us* but would be farther away and more expensive. The area that’s a closer commute is a little less safe. So there are pluses and minuses to each place and it’s maddening!
(Plus there are several other suburbs we’d consider, but none of them seem as awesome as the area that’s 30 minutes away. Or so the internet tells us!
We’ll see when we visit!)
Oh, you’ll be OK! Moving is so stressful, especially to a new place. I moved to Ohio 10 years ago, from Massachusetts and though I moved before I had a family, my husband and I are here without family around us and we’re OK. You find friends to become your stand-in family. And with kids your age and Mike joining a faculty, I think you’ll find a welcoming group of people. It does take time, but I think you’ll be busy enough with the kids that you won’t have time to dwell on it. And being out by the Berkshires – it is so pretty.
Personally, I think it is too far for Thanksgiving, but not for Christmas. Christmas is just so much more flexible in terms of time off, travel dates and weather. Thanksgiving locks you in to those four days and EVERYONE travels – so traffic is bad. But we would be going to Boston, which is further.
For me, car maintenance is one of the most stressful things to manage since having kids, plus being here on our own! I can sympathize.
Moving is so scary but can be really fun! I moved to Denver from Cleveland about 8 months ago and was super nervous about all of the things you were (minus childcare stuff cause I don’t have children). It was really intimidating because even though I’ve lived many other places in my life, I’d been in NEO for nearly 10 years and had a good thing going there. Denver is way more expensive than Cleveland and I left behind all my good college friends I’d kept in touch with. Spoiler alert, I’m doing fine! I was really fortunate to have a few people move out here within a few months of me and its rekindled old friendships and started new ones. don’t be shy about posting on your personal social media that you’re moving cause you never know who will crawl outta the woodwork.
And I wouldn’t worry too much about getting back for Holidays at this moment, you probably wont be able to make that decision until you’re a little closer to the holiday anyway. If you’re feeling homesick do it, but maybe you’ll feel a little overwhelmed and not want to travel or there will be a blizzard…. who knows! Also, meetup.com has been a cool way to meet new people with similar interests.
There seems to be a midwest to Denver pipeline that people migrate west! :)
I’m glad things are going well for you. Thanks for the social media advice – I should post on FB!
I TOTALLY get your feelings on this, and I’m sorry it’s so stressful, but also I do think once you’ve gotten through the hard transition and logistics part, it really will be great and you will love western Mass. It’s such a lovely place and very you. And you certainly won’t be an outsider who isn’t fancy enough to measure up. Also, I’ve found that having kids eases the friend-making process a lot. You can chat with parents at daycare/preschool, activities, mom groups, the park, etc.
I hope it goes well! And that the transition ends up smooth. Xoxo.
This comforts me, thank you! Helps me a be a leeeetle more excited about checking it out next week, too. (EEEE NEXT WEEK)
My husband is a college professor. When they hired new faculty in a different department, that person asked the Dean for people in a similar situation to her to talk to (married, 2 small kids) and she emailed all of us for recommendations and such. She had a list of questions of things that were important to her. Would you be able to get in touch with the dean or department chair at his school to get some people to ask your questions?
We live nowhere near either of our families. But the fact is, tenure-track jobs are few and far between in many fields so you can’t really pass it up. We’ve been happy here and don’t have that backup, but we manage to figure it out. :)
YES to all of this. I’m moving in December, and in the last 8 months (since my husband moved) we’ve done the him starting a new job, crazy-stress of house-hunting, and now house-renovating, all while living 700 miles apart, and are just coming up to the part where I need to de-clutter and de-stash and start the plan of packing and moving and finding a new job and, and, and……gaaaaaah.
I am not looking forward to it.
xox
Solidarity stress fistbump!
My husband and I moved to Boston from Texas last year, and even though we did it entirely for fun, the first few months were still super tough. (Crazy intense culture shock! Missing my family! Working from home and knowing no one!) The absolute best thing you could do is join a group (for moms, perhaps?) or take a class (does Mike’s school offer any kind of tuition breaks?) to get out of the house and help with the feelings of isolation. Also, if you’re feeling achingly homesick, don’t deny yourself a trip to see family. I wish I’d indulged my desire to go home more than I did–it would’ve made me feel less trapped during those first hard months.
It took me close to a year to really feel settled and comfortable, but now? I think moving far away from home is one of the most empowering and enriching things I’ve ever done, and I’d recommend it to anyone. Plus, there’s SO MUCH to do in New England–especially with kids–so you’ll have plenty of opportunities for fun weekend getaways and activities. It’s going to be ok!
Oh, this is super helpful. Thank you. Also helpful to hear success stories!
I’ll keep in mind that the first months may be the hardest and try to truck through.
I lived verrrrry far from my family while I was in college (they were in Malaysia while I was in Ohio) and spent a semester in Hawaii where I knew absolutely no one and I always felt like it made me a lot stronger! (But also made me know that I do love living near them. ;))
so we’ve done the whole “move to a new place far far away” thing a number of times and all the suggestions you’ve gotten are good ones :)
but an idea for the move? don’t rent a truck and drive it yourself. lol i just… oh gosh don’t do it. have you checked into a upack pod or the like? you pay by the square foot and can pack/load yourself (if you dont want to pay someone for that, which i actually can’t recommend enough lol), but then THEY drive it. then you don’t have to drive the kiddos by yourself, it makes the trip less stressful, etc and so on. just an idea! :)
Yes! Someone recommend u-box by u-haul to me and it’s the same cost as renting a truck. DONE.
oh thank goodness. thank GOODNESS! i saw “truck rental” in your post and wanted to cry for you :-p
also, even if you can’t afford to pay packers, i would pay loaders – movers are so much better at tetris=ing all your stuff into the least amount of space – so it will save money!! good luck!!
We recently learned our rent is being raised $200 in September and while we hope to only be moving a few miles from our current place I am so stressed. I have to keep reminding myself of the good things. We haven’t moved in nine years and I feel like I have no idea how to do anything. I just keep reading everything and anything I can find on the internet to help me. Knowing that people do this everyday makes me realize it’s not impossible and we’ll get through it.
$200! Oh man. That’s a big increase.
Over the past few years, we’ve moved a few times. Twice, we’ve lived in cheaper neighborhoods that weren’t quite us (suburbs once and a sketchy all-we-could-find apartment), once we lived in a perfect neighborhood, perfect apartment with a long commute, and now we own a house in a neighborhood that is so 100% us. It’s not super close to my husband’s work, but we weren’t happy closer, and it’s great to not go far to do things we love. Yes, we payed more for less house here, but we have no regrets. Trust your gut. And good luck!
We are moving back to our home country India in 3 months after being in the bay area for 9 years. The US will always be a special country to us.. met my hubby here, had a baby, made some AMAZING friends. We always had plans on moving back and being closer to our parents, but now that the time to move is getting closer, I feel I dont want to move any longer. My bff here and I had a cry session few days back on how will we survive without meeting each other every weekend. I have moved several times across US, and plus the move when I came to US from India for my masters. All those moves I was super excited, but somehow this time our life here seems so well settled (have a great friend circle, our 20 month old has buddies he loves hanging out with, and their parents are actually our friends) that I am freaked about the fact that I wont be able to make new friends back in the city we are moving to.
I feel though, that this mourning of leaving behind a life in one place is just part of the process of moving that one has to go through. Hence, I have stopped “trying” to be enthusiastic about the move. I want to go through this sadness of leaving behind my beloved bay area. I am sure I will be fine in the new city. And I am sure you guys will be fine too. :) I hope you will fall in love with your new city (having lived in MA before, I loved it). ALL THE BEST!
We can cry together as we leave! xo
I think it helps to take it in stages. Stage one is the act of getting there. (Research, networking for advice, visiting). Stage two is purging/packing/physically moving. Stage three is unpacking that first wave of what you need. Stage four (where we currently are)- feeling another wave of energy to actually get stuff on the walls and get the last of the empty bins to the recycling, etc.
I would keep your head down and just defer any concerns about friendships/playdates/socializing at first. At least for me- that is just too much to have on my plate. I like to get my house in some semblence of order and then push outward, toward meeting new people and stuff. I think it’s because I’m an introvert, so meeting people just takes energy I don’t have if we are still totally living in boxes.
Lastly- I echo other people. It will be good. Parts of it will, actually, be great! :)
Okay more thoughts. Give yourself as much margin as you can. Put more money than usual toward babysitting/a night out with Mike/freezer dinners from Trader Joes/etc. Moving is stressful and you won’t regret investing in these areas. The cost of moving is a bit sickening but throwing money toward your mental health *ahead of time and not just when you are already drowning* will be money well spent.
I’ll stop now.
I’ve moved twice as an adult and felt that “now I have to start over” sort of feeling, but I didn’t have a kid then. Both times we relocated, I feel like we made a mistake with where we chose to live in our new area…and both times it was manageable. That’s why we felt strongly about renting first — it’s not irreversible if there’s a problem.
Building a new community is hard, and I am not someone who naturally reaches out and meets new people. Having a kid has helped, because he gets bored at home so we HAVE TO go out and do things. And all of the moms at storytime are friendly even if we aren’t BFFs. My husband has a job that attracts transplants (and I suspect your husband’s university job might be similar?), and I’ve found that helps in meeting new people. A lot of my husbands coworkers are our friends, because we’re mostly all new here. At the same time, we’ve lived in our current area for three years now (and I really do not want to move and start over again) and I still think of myself as new in town.
I’m not someone who naturally reaches out, either. The idea of having to start over is so stressful for me! I love being friendly and having friends, but the getting there part is so hard!
Just wanted to chime in – you and Mike seem so resilient. Between you guys, and God’s grace, I’m sure you will weather what is to come.
I came to NEO from Western Canada 6 years ago. The first year I was kept busy just getting acclimated to be honest, so I wasn’t desperate for friends. The following summer I was getting lonely, and eventually joined a hockey team. Those girls are like my family now. You will find your people eventually. West Mass is lucky to get you guys!
Oh sister from another worrier … i hear ya. loud and clear. We just moved from PA to WI in June. I had never been to the city we moved to. My husband picked out our house. I had just had a baby. And we were not moving any closer to family or friends. It was a lot. but you know what … IT WAS ALL OK. AND IT WILL BE OK FOR YOU TOO.
Here are a couple of tips (I am only a month into this process but I have opinions so here we go …)
A. No matter what kind of space you chose (house, apartment, etc.), let yourselves live in it a while before deciding to purchase any house items. I know it might look silly to have scattered furniture and random items in your bedroom,BUT you might find you use your space totally differently than you do now. We don’t have a formal dining room table yet but we use the space for playing and keeping the pack n’ play near the kitchen so the kids can be near. I have a list of items that would be nice but I am in no rush since we are getting used to the space. Plus if you are on a budget you can invest in the right items for your life, style and current needs eventually while not feeling guilty about a major purchase that collects dust.
B. Be prepared for anything. With kids you never know what a long car ride might bring. We took two days to travel because we wanted to make sure it was complete chaos packed into one day.
C. SELF CARE. I repeat SELF CARE. Packing, moving, unpacking, arranging, childcare, new city, new job, well new everything can be overwhelming. Do something for yourself each day no matter how hard it seems. I promise that box to unpack will be there when you are ready to unpack it. And make sure you get some sleep.
D. Read your kids cues. I have a sensitive older child who needed some extra mom and dad time after the move. We made sure to keep bed time routines, daily routines and nap time as consistent as possible. This reaped hugeI benefits as we got settled he is doing great. If something isn’t going well try to take a break and do something comforting. Moving can be tough on little ones (even if they might not remember the move in the long run). We had a few sleepy head kids in our bedroom for the first few nights as we all got comfortable in the new space.
E. Get connected with a mom’s group. I strongly agree with that advice already given! I joined a MOMS club international league in our new city. It has gotten me out of the house and already I made some friends.
F. Breathe. Enjoy this special time. Your family is doing this together. It will be a special adventure that you will remember forever.
G. When all else fails … laugh.
F. Also, while kid(s) sleep throw, give away or sell stuff. It will feel so much better when you get there and you didn’t drag a bunch of useless crap with you.
I am sure you find yourselves at home soon. You will look back and think it seemed crazy but you did it.
Good luck!
oh my goodness, this is SO helpful. Thank you thank you!! I needed this since worrying is in overdrive at this point. :)
You’re moving to my home state and I assure you, you’ll love it.
I agree with what others said about mommy and me groups – definitely a sanity-saver and will help in making friends, too.
As for places to live, western MA is gorgeous, and there’ll be so much to explore and do together as a family. I have a friend from college who lives in Easthampton, I’ve been to Great Barrington and Pittsfield – looking forward to reading about your new adventure (and living vicariously since I’m in NC now) :)
Nice post
I know I’m reaaaally late to this party, but no matter how it happens, you will DO IT.
I’ve moved to Worcester, MA, Springfield, MA, Nahant, MA, Vancouver, BC, NYC…and I still have no idea how I’ve done it all. WIth this big move to NYC, we used a broker. IT was expensive, but for us, the peace of mind and less stress of trying to find stuff etc, was worth it. (It was a couple grand extra in the end.) We asked him about neighborhoods, told him where we needed to work, how much of a commute we wanted etc. I got the apartment sight unseen because I just was so tired of dealing with it. (not something I’d recommend! hah.)
I cried though. I cried a LOT. I cried while getting rid of things. I cried while packing. I cried while saying goodbye. The middle part has always been harder. Once you get there and settle in, you’re on the other side of that ‘hump’ and it always feels better. When you’ve got one foot in OH and one foot in MA – it’s a really tough place to be. Hang in there!
It IS so hard. The moms group recommendation is such a great idea. Even here in NYC, I feel so isolated and without friends. But then I realize I DO have them, I just haven’t reached out.
I’m excited for this new chapter for you and am here for you anytime you need!
xo
Moving is a really big step and all your concerns are real. I am feeling the same way like you when I hear “moving”. The thing is that if it has to happen it will happen and you should try to deal with it in a positive way! I wish you all the best!
I will try to deal with it in a positive way! Especially to make an example for older son! :) Thanks.
Oh, I feel like I wrote this, moving is the most stressful and annoying thing for me. It’s good to know that there are others like me out there!
Professional movers have the brain power to get everything safely out of your home and unto their truck.
Wow, these are some really great ideas for anyone planning a move. I think it’s wise to start planning from early because a house move can be very overwhelming. Thank you for the post!
While shifting most of the people just forget to follow these necessary tips that leads them to face difficulties at-last. Thanks for sharing this valuable steps.
I agree that getting to know a new city is a pro of moving. I have learned this from experience. My childhood was fun because I got to get to know all sorts of neat places.
Yes! Finally i found a very good tip suggestion about moving and packing stuff, wow now i will share this article to my friends because they planning to move their residence to.
Hello Ashley, I am planning for big moving, and your right Ashley, I’m facing now the cons when we move because I’m starting missing my neighborhood.
Thank you for sharing this informative information Ashley.
You what, Ashley? I and my family are planning for moving this coming next month and I have the worries of you. I always think, that I want to go and visit first the new house and places so that I can see and I can adjust myself of what should I expect when we leave there. Moreover, your story takes away my nervous. Thank you!
Wow, now I am worry free of thinking my moving day. Honestly, it’s difficult to leave and leave your close friends but I have to sacrifice to meet your better future.