I’m ignoring the thank yous that I need to write, the dishes in the sink, and a million other things that I probably should be doing. But I wanted to take a minute to share what a roller coaster I’m on again.
The second time roller coaster is different than the first time, but still a roller coaster.
One minute I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, want to cry (or am crying), and am sending Mike frustrated text messages about how stressed I am. The next minute, I feel on top of the world and super awesome at having two kids.
One minute the baby is sobbing and I feel like he’s a foreign creature. The next minute, he’s cooing and looking at me with his beautiful eyes, and I’m absolutely in love with this little baby.
One minute I’m wondering why in the world I wanted to do this again and feeling terribly guilty over how much I wanted this baby and am still stressed out by him. The next minute, I’m in awe that I even got to have another baby and am in happy, grateful tears (yes, again. HAI, postpartum hormones!).
So, yes, a roller coaster.
I’m far less stressed about something being wrong with Theo (with Gabe, I was like, “Is he breathing right? Is that normal?” etc etc) and more just overwhelmed by the intensity of the newborn days and learning to juggle multiple children.
I have so much to say. It seems to be harder to find time to blog (HOW did I blog 8 times in Gabe’s first month!?), so I’m on Twitter and Instagram more often, where I can share one-handed on my phone. Usually while I’m nursing or trying to get a baby to fall asleep.
Things to tell you:
- The birth was almost the opposite of Gabe’s but still empowering. I need to tell you the whole story.
- Breastfeeding has been 1000 times easier the second time around. Thank goodness! I’m so grateful. Theo nursed minutes after he was born, passed his birthweight by day three, and is still going strong. I’m so much more comfortable and confident than I was with Gabe.
- I have a feeling it’s going to be harder to lose all the weight this time. Partly because I gained more, partly because I can’t stop eating chocolate chips. It’s not that I don’t like my body, it’s just that I don’t want to buy more clothes.
- More of the burden is on me this time and I’m do not like it. Mike started his full-time internship job with regular office hours 2 days after Theo was born. Honesty is important. So I have to tell you it has been just as isolating as I’d feared. Most of the burden of baby care falls to me as a result and I’m not enjoying it. At all. Things were far more equal with Gabe, when Mike was in his first year of his doctoral program (with a more flexible schedule) and I started back to work at two months while Mike watched Gabe. I feel like I’m responsible for the baby’s wellbeing and happiness about 23 hours a day and the lack of freedom is hard. (I’ll be starting back to work in a month or so, but I have to figure out childcare, which is a whole other burden. (Don’t worry – I’m not airing our dirty laundry. Mike certainly knows how I feel and does everything he can to lessen the stress. But there’s only so much he can do when he’s gone 10 hours a day and doesn’t have boobs.)
- Gabe is an even better big brother than I expected. He is loving, patient, and so incredibly sweet. It has been one of the best joys of my life seeing him become a big brother. I had no idea how great he would be. I’m so glad I get to see him as a big brother – I feel like my love for him is growing, seeing him in this role.
(This picture is not even posed. Can you believe it? The kid is just too freaking sweet.)
You’re one of my favorite bloggers BECAUSE you’re so honest. I really appreciate it. It’s so tough to have a newborn, let alone a newborn and a pre-schooler and be responsible for caring for both. You’re doing great! And it’s wonderful that you can acknowledge when it’s not great.
One of my favorite phrases in times like these is: This too shall pass.
Congratulations again!
What a precious picture :) Also, I so appreciate your honesty! Since I don’t live in your town (wish I did so I could help!) is there anything I–and the rest of your awesome readers–can do from afar?
Parallel lives!!! It is crazy how much I can relate to this. All of it. The roller coaster. The frustrations with feeling like it’s all me taking care of the babe! (And Jeff is even home for the summer but is always working on something around the house!!). Taking longer to lose the weight. (I can’t stop eating sugar!) Blogging tons with the first kiddo and hardly at all wih this one!! Where does the time go every day? Oh yeah- it’s spent feeding. :) The guilt with wanting her so so much, but feeling so stressed. I felt ALL of that in the first weeks, and still feel it now, but not as much. So I promise- it gets better and easier and less frustrating! For us, 6-7 weeks was a huge turning point. It just started feeling more like we’d always had two kids. More normal. More do-able. Every time you see Gabe hugging, kissing, snuggling, and loving on Theo, just remember that you are doing everything right- because your boys are so so loved. ❤️
Oh, Ashley. I can so easily go back to that mental space as I read this, even now as Natalie is nearly 4 months old. I felt every thing you feel now. So much of the experience leaves you completely raw and exposed and every feeling is so intense. The burden of doing it all on your own (even though you have Mike!) is overwhelming. I remember being resentful of Billy that he got to leave and go to work. I’d stare at Natalie and cry – partly because I love her so much! partly because I missed my freedom! – and literally count down the hours until Billy got home. Everyone kept telling me it would get easier and I didn’t believe them. Thank God they were right. No words of wisdom from me (you’ve got two amazing kids! One more than me!) but lots of love to you. I hope you have a moment to yourself soon to just sit alone at a coffee shop and have a drink of your choice and a muffin. Perhaps even – GASP! – read a magazine for a few minutes.
Man those postpartum hormones are rough. It took me at least a month to stop crying basically everyday. And it really did help to start getting out of the house, and by the time I was going back to work I was actually excited about it. I think I’m actually a better person since being a working mom!
aw i was just wondering to myself how you were doing! i will have to follow you on instagram to get more updates but its good to see you on here, although i certainly understand why its few and far between. gabe and theo look so precious together.
This is such a great post. I love your honesty. My husband works long, weird hours, and I understand the guilt-inducing frustration of feeling like The Person Responsible for All The Things. Keep communicating, accept help whenever it’s offered, and know it *is* all worth it in the end.
Hang in there! I have two boys too — an almost 3-yr-old and a 1-yr-old. And my husband works long hours while I’m at home with them. It’s hard but it gets easier! We turned a page when the baby turned one. Now they do a lot of things without needing or wanting my help and they play together!! I think this point of parenthood (where you are) is the hardest. Offering some prayers for you tonight.
He’s so precious… and I love the picture with Gabe!! <3
Glad Gabe is loving his role as big brother; that has to make you feel great :)
Been thinking of you lots and loved reading this. Not having experience with babies I can’t imagine how you feel but I’m glad you are comfortable to share with us and have a strong family and husband (and community!) to support you. xo
Good boy Gabe, that’s good to hear that he loves his little brother, and I can see the future of them. I do really enjoyed reading this article of yours. Thank you for sharing. I hope good health for Theo. Just keep yourself healthy, and don’t be stressed.
Good baby I really enjoyed read the article. Thanks