Yesterday as Gabe and I walked out of our apartment building, I noticed near the drugstore across the street a 20-something woman doing burpees next to her bicycle in a patch of grass. It was unusual to see someone doing a hardcore workout in public, but my neighborhood has a lot of pedestrian activity, so not that unusual. I mean, there are regularly zombie events in our neighborhood with fake-blood-covered people.
Anyway. As we got to the road (we have to walk through two parking lots), I noticed a big white SUV was parked about 20 feet back from the stoplight. The man in the SUV had his right arm over the passenger seat and was turned around completely, craning his neck and staring at the girl as she worked out.
CREEP.
I stared at him for a moment, hoping he’d see me and be embarrassed about his creepiness.
Gabe and I continued walking toward the stoplight, while the SUV drove up to the stoplight, still craning his neck around at the girl as he turned the corner. He pulled into the drugstore parking lot where she was.
I shuddered, thinking about the several times men have followed me while I was running and that pit-in-my-stomach feeling washed over me.
I hesitated for a second before turning around walking back toward the girl as the man pulled up next to her. She saw him, hopped on her bike, and started to pedal off. She probably had noticed him staring at her and got that same pit-in-the-stomach feeling. He leaned out his window and tried talking to her, but she ignored him and pedaled away quickly.
He was still stopped at the driveway to the drugstore, when he saw me staring at him. He didn’t follow the girl, but turned in the other direction.
I was so glad. I know how scary it is to feel all alone as a man stares at you, not to mention follows you. I wanted the man to know that he couldn’t do that. That people are watching and will say or do something. That he can’t be a creep in my neighborhood, dammit.
Sometimes, it doesn’t seem fair. That in our country in 2013, you can still be afraid to be alone in public as a woman.
It doesn’t seem fair that every time I go running, I keep a lookout for cars that pass me several times with men in them. That I stick to busy streets, hoping that if anything would happen, at least there will be cars around to do something. That I keep 911 at the ready when I notice a creepy man following me on his bicycle.
I’ve had a few run-ins with major creepsters – like the time a guy passed me FOUR TIMES on the same road. First time, telling me how great I was doing. Second and third time saying nothing (maybe he forgot something at home? I thought). By the fourth time, he was going slowly along beside me, leaning out his window and trying to talk to me. I sprinted as fast as I could to the main road, pretending I didn’t hear him.
I never ran on the road again.
I’d love to be able to run on wooded paths, but I fear running alone in the woods too much.
Perhaps I am overly cautious or fearful. Nothing has actually ever happened to me. But, it’s not uncommon, unfortunately.
So I knew that when I saw that guy turn around and follow the girl, I had to be there. He might not have been scared of a petite woman and her toddler son, but at least as a fellow woman, she’d know someone was watching, you know?
Do you ever feel unsafe when you’re exercising alone? What do you do to stay safe? Dog? Pepper spray? Busy streets?
I was out running with a hydration belt once, and a guy in a car pulled up alongside me and motioned to me. I freaked out and ran in another direction, and just a bit later he drove by and yelled to me, “You dropped your water bottle!” One of my empty bottles had fallen out behind me.
I wish my first thought when he pulled up had been that he was trying to help me, but incidents like the one you describe here mean that it never can be.
Gross EW GROSS why do guys DO that?! That is so NOT OKAY. Good for you for going back. Ugh.
Thanks for writing this post! I don’t think you are overly fearful. As women, we have a whole set of fears unique to our gender. I would have done the exact same thing you did.
I agree with you that it is absolutely horrible that we are STILL dealing with this kind of thing in 2013! I have to park several blocks away from my office building and, even though it’s a fairly busy area, I have felt uncomfortable walking alone. I usually keep my cell phone and my keys (with a container of pepper spray) in my hand. Most of the time, I feel very safe, but you never know what the day will hold.
A friend recently introduced me to an iPhone app called “BSafe.” You can enter several “Guardians” that will be alerted if you ever press the Panic button and there’s also a “follow me” feature that allows you to link your phone’s GPS to the GPS of your Guardians, allowing them to “follow” you on your runs, etc. Fortunately, I’ve never had to use it, but it is comforting to know that I have a quick, easy way to alert friends and family members if I need help.
Oh my gosh!! Thanks for the app info… that is THE coolest thing ever and I just saw they have it for Android too. Downloading immediately!
Wow- so cool to know about this app.. thanks for sharing :)
Thanks for sharing that app. I am going to check it out right now.
So creepy! I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with any creepsters like that, but I do get a little nervous whenever I go out for a walk or run by myself on our bike path. I usually try to go during high traffic times, but it is sort of remote and there have been attacks/indecent exposure incidents on a nearby (and less populated) bike path, so I do worry it could happen on ours too.
I always run with my iPhone in case I ever need to call someone (doesn’t hurt that I have diabetes and might need to call 911 or my husband for myself!). But still, it’s one of my added safety measures. I do run around at night in our town, which I like to think is very safe. I run on the busy streets with lots of cars and sometimes other joggers. Every street is lined with houses and I would hesitate to go to one if I felt threatened either. It’s just that kind of town.
As for your situation, I’m glad you waited too. If that guy had tried to attack her or take her, you’d at least be able to call 911 with a description, a license plate number, etc. Even if you couldn’t take him on, like you said, you’d be a witness if a witness was needed.
Yes. I was sexually assaulted (not raped) a few years ago, so I am pretty terrified of strange men when I’m out in public. This mostly affects me at night when the dog needs to go out. We try to work it out that Dan takes him at night, but if I have to do it, I call someone on the phone while I am outside. It’s sad.
I do the same thing.
This type of stuff really, really frustrates me. It’s frustrating that my guy friends can run whenever they want, but I’ve got be more careful, going during daylight hours and being sure I run where there are people. I live in a city, so, to stay safe, I pretty much always stay in the city to run. I have been freaked out a few times just because there are some super drugged out homeless folks I’ve encountered on my runs and while I feel a little bratty saying it, I go on high alert whenever I pass them, just because I don’t know what they’re going to do. All in all, it’s not fair. I wish we didn’t have to exercise so much caution while doing our actual exercising.
You basically posted exactly what I was going to. Ugh… it just frustrates me SO much that we even have to worry!!
Yikes! I hate that we still have to worry about this stuff! I live in the city, and right off a bike/running path with wooded trails branching off that. My husband thinks I’m ridiculous, but I always run with mace in my hand (and refuse to go on the wooded trails alone). I’ve never been attacked, but I’ve run into some creeps, and if I get a weird vibe from someone I go the other direction.
Sometimes it’s not even men, sometimes it’s groups of teenagers (boys and girls)–standing on both sides of the path and watching people run by while whispering to each other. Maybe they’re just being jerks about the way someone runs or whatever, but I’m not going to run right into a pack of teenagers that are as big as me, and possibly fueled on to do stupid stuff by each other.
None of this is unfounded either, just a few miles away a teen shot a man who was out for a walk because the man refused to give him his wallet. I’ve heard stories of teens assaulting commuters on bikes–which scares me since my husband commutes to work by bike.
In general, our area is pretty safe, but it’s still a city, and there are still bored teens and creeps around. Can’t trust them, and it’s a shame we still have to worry!
The same is true just for women who have to go anywhere alone. I don’t exercise outdoors but I do walk at lunch and I do occasionally run errands or drive alone, and unfortunately I am always on high alert. I am always conscious of men around me—-and although I do occasionally feel guilty pre-judging them, it is the world we live in (and it’s been this way forever, I fear, so nothing new for 2013, just you’d think….) But really, considering what things are like in other countries…. I don’t know. It’s really sad. Today I walked at lunch and on the way out, there was a guy coming down the sidewalk up ahead that I was uneasy about so I casually crossed the street—-on the way back, I walked through a small park and sat at a picnic table under a tree in the shade for about 5 minutes to cool off (it is so humid around these parts these days!) and I noticed a guy on the far side of the park on a bench. Was he looking at me? Who knows. He was facing my direction. I hated getting up and leaving, but I did. You just NEVER know. HATE IT.
I totally know what you mean. I hate feeling paranoid, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Dude, I go running up a trail run/canyon near the downtown area that is fine during the daylight hours but at night is super sketchy. I take pepper spray with me. Always. And if I can convince a dog-owning friend to let me take their pet I’ll do that too.
xox
I run in mostly public places. I never listen to music when running outside. Had a similar creeper experience a few years back when I was running a loop around a park. Mostly public but a few private areas. Guy driving up alongside me in a van asking if I wanted a ride. SURE. FREAK. I pretty much had to end my run at that point. Hung out in a more private area (playground) until he left.
Edited … public area!
I hate that this is our reality but it’s true. I only walk on busy streets in my new neighborhood even though it’s suburbia. I just worry. There were too many attacks in my old, urban, densely populated neighborhood too that made me think twice about going out alone to exercise. I’m a certified self-defense instructor and I still wouldn’t do it. I don’t want to put myself in harms way.
When I was in high school, I would walk literally the length of like, FOUR HOUSES from the bus stop to my house. Not even a block. Not even half of a block. And there was this creepy guy, probably in his 20s, and he walked alongside me one day and talked to me. He said he knew someone who went to my school (I was wearing my uniform, but also, YEAH I DON’T BELIEVE YOU DUDE) and asked random conversational questions. It creeeeeeped me out, but I figured it was random and it was unlikely that he would ever show up again. Then it happened again. I don’t even know why he was there/where he came from, because he wasn’t a neighbor that I’d ever seen and usually the only people walking around our development are the people who live there. He would just continue to walk once I got to my house (though I actually cut through my neighbor’s yard because I didn’t want him knowing what house I lived in). My mom had to start waiting at the end of the block for me. He never did show up again, so I don’t know what the hell that was about, but it freaked me out.
OMG. That story is horrifying. I’m so glad it didn’t end worse!
I run/walk outside a lot and I can’t say I’ve ever noticed a creeper following me, but I’m always on my guard. A lot of times I’ll have one of my dogs with me, which I think helps especially since one of them is a pretty good guard dog. Even though I’m on my guard and I always let someone know where I’ll be running and when to expect me back, I don’t run with my phone (it’s too heaavvvyy!). I keep thinking that I should. But I always run during the daytime and in well-traveled areas. Still, the issue exists. I’m a member of a running group for moms, and we had a discussion once where we talked about how many of them have switched up their running routes to remain unpredictable. Another suggestion was when you notice a passerby (usually males), make eye contact with them and say hi. That lets them know you’re watching THEM too. Now, if they’re already taunting you, it may not be in your best interest to strike up a conversation, but, you get my point. Be aware of your surroundings and and act confident (even if you’re not and are planning on high-tailing it to a more visible/comfortable location).
You should consider getting am armband for your cell phone. I know it might be a bit bulky, but I workout with mine that holds my iphone, and it’s not that bad. I just use it as my mp3 player at that point. :)
I’ve never experienced this but I’m SO glad you were there as a witness – it definitely seemed to deter him!
Good for your Ash! I’m sure if she knew you were watching out for her, that would make her feel good! Maybe she will try working out at home or in a gym for now on? Or at least with a buddy. That would be my advice for you. If you can run with a buddy, do it! Then you can run more places. I have run at a park alone before and I was scared to death. Then later I went with a friend had felt totally more at ease and had a great time catching up with my friend! I also carry pepper spray on my key chain. After watching the movie, The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo, I bought a tazor for pretty cheap on Amazon. When I have it with me, I feel so much safer. It is such a shame that women still have to be fearful in public of men. I’m not sure that will ever change. As long as young boys and men are raised in a society that revolves around sex, and if they are not raised to respect women, we will always have creepers. If you are going to run alone though, I think you will feel much safer with a can of pepper spray clipped to your hip. You can get one in any color on amazon for under 10 bucks. Also, you could consider taking a self defense class somewhere. Feeling confident about the ability to protect yourself is very empowering.
Ugh, SO CREEPY! Men can be such pigs sometimes. That was a very noble thing of you to do, watching out for that woman. We ladies have to stick together!
thanks for this article. I worry that I am overly cautious, I do the same as you keeping an eye out that there’s no creep looking at me or any kids that are with me. I know I just have to follow my instincts. And it does make me sick when some pervert stares, and the best thing (i think) is to stare them down, so they know I am not intimidated. Did you read about that teenaged girl on the airplane? Some guy staring at her while he was pleasuring himself and the airline was more concerned with not offending him then her rights. ugh!
No! That is awful.
Yeah, I try to look tough, too. I’m not sure how well I pull it off. ;)
Great job doing even something small to stand up for her! It IS scary out there sometimes and we’ve gotta look out for each other!
Like the other women who’ve commented, the fact that we still have to be overly cautious and fearful upsets me.
While I don’t run or anything, I do live in a big city… I prefer the bus to the train because it drops me off closer to my front door, but there’ve been crazies on the bus too. Like the one who was arguing/fighting with imaginary people and almost through a can of soup at my face.
If I’m out by myself, I try to walk as confidently as possible. I try to make sure I know who’s around me at all time, looking over my shoulder every so often. If I’m feeling nervous, I’ll call someone. Though most of the time it’s my mom and she lives a state away, I feel better knowing there’s someone who would know if something happened. But while on the phone, I never stop making sure I’m aware of my surroundings. I won’t let myself get caught up in the call that I might seem distracted.
However, I do want to say, even being out with friends… I don’t always feel safe. We were out in California a few years ago on tour, and in a bar in San Francisco. A guy sat down next to me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I turned and asked one of my male friends to help and he refused. “You’re a big girl, you can take care of your self.” Um. No. Just because I’m an adult woman does not mean that I can take care of myself in all situations. Especially threatening ones. While I know my friends would not have let anything happen, I was completely uncomfortable in that situation and really wanted, and needed, help to end it quickly. If I ask for your help, I’m not being playful or silly, I mean it.
I just read this article and it made me think of your post…
http://www.readability.com/read?url=http%3A%2F%2Fchrisbrecheen.blogspot.com.au%2F2013%2F07%2Fchanging-creepy-guy-narrative.html%3Fm%3D1
ON THE ONE HAND, different cultures approach interactions with strangers differently. And, I think Americans are on the extreme when it comes to being closed off to interactions with strangers.
HOWEVER, all people need to trust their instincts. And if your gut tells you something isn’t right, then you have to do what you need to do to survive. And to protect those around you. Period.
Thanks for sharing this info. it’s really nice.