Quite often when I meet a mom with one child who is around 3, she asks me “so, how do you like your kids age gap? Because it’s looking like that’s what ours will be.”
My kids are 3 years and 10 months apart.
I usually respond something like “I like it! I had intended for them to be a little closer, but I had a few miscarriages between them. It’s been great though.”
(In fact, that’s how I met one of my closest friends here. She responded “I’ve had 4 miscarriages after my daughter!” and we clicked.)
My kids’ age difference can sometimes be hard for me to discuss because I’ve had so little control over it. But I often get asked from people who are anticipating a larger gap than they intended how I like this age spacing. (A client recently emailed me about it, actually.) So I wanted to share some of my thoughts on what I love about their age spacing.
A few caveats, first:
- It’s a huge privilege to plan your children’s spacing.
- Pregnancy loss and infertility are real. I know this too well.
- Closely spaced and farther spaced siblings both have pros and cons. I don’t want to debate the merits of each because, again, choosing your kids spacing is a privilege.
- Kids’ personality LARGELY influence how they will get along with their siblings. I know people with siblings a year apart and 6 years apart who love and/or loathe their siblings. So, your experience may be different.
The downsides of having kids four years apart:
(according to my experience because kids are all different, etc etc):
- Worrying what people think. To be honest, this is likely the biggest drawback which is: 1) not a huge drawback and 2) ridiculous to care about. (That is, I’m being ridiculous. Not you.) It’s not how most people choose to space their kids. Between 2 and 3 years seems to be the preference, so I often get comments on it. (One mom in Gabe’s class did say, “I don’t know why I was so obsessed with having kids two years apart!” when she saw Gabe and Theo together. That made me feel a little better.)
- Worry that my kids won’t be close when they’re older. (Which is silly, because I have a sister 4 years younger who I adore, and we got along as kids and as adults.)
- The age spread means sometimes we want to do stuff Theo can’t do yet. We are finally at a point where we can all play some board games together, which is so fun! But there are movies a 6 year old can watch that’s not appropriate for a 2 year old. We will have to wait a few years to be able to all go for a bike ride. Or a canoe trip. Or whatever families with all older kids do.
- I’ll never have my kids tandem nap. (Theo’s nap time is Gabe’s alone time with me. Which is nice in its own way.)
The benefits of having kids four years apart:
- Being pregnant while taking care of a child who was older and more independent was easier than my pregnancies with a young toddler. 3-year-old Gabe could understand “Take my phone and watch PBS kids. Mama’s feeling sick/needs a nap.”
- Being an only child for a few years meant my older child was very secure in his space in our family and our love for him. So there was little difficulty adjusting to a new sibling. There were no regressions or tantrums. No resenting his little brother for so much getting attention. (This Aha Parenting article says similarly.)
- I got to savor each child’s baby and toddlerhood since there was only one at a time. Those phases are SO cute and I was grateful to be able to be wholly present for them. I also nursed them both for an extended period of time, so that was nice to not have to wean my older son due to pregnancy. It’s also kind of nice to be able to still have a cute little toddler in the house.
- Most importantly, they get along and love each other! They exist in their own little world and call themselves best friends. See this video. And all these photos.
- I had pretty bad sleepers, so I enjoyed getting some decent sleep before a newborn messed up my sleep again.
- Only one kid in diapers at a time. 🙌🏼
- Gabe was and is SO helpful in taking care of his brother. He’s old enough that he understands there are different rules for younger kids. He’s helped Theo use the potty chair and gets him out of his crib. He is patient with Theo’s ridiculous requests and tantrums.
- As a kid myself, I loved having a sister 4 years younger. (I also have sisters 13 months and 8 year younger.) I liked that she was old enough to play with, but young enough that we weren’t going through the same phases at the same time. We each had our own space.
In all, I wouldn’t change a thing about this. Except maybe not caring so much what other people think about my family size and spacing.
I am so incredibly grateful to HAVE Theo, however far apart he is from his older brother, because at one time, I thought there might never be a second child. I always thought Gabe would be an amazing big brother, and I’m so glad I was right. :)
I just love this, and seeing glimpses into your kids’ relationship. Gabe does seem SO sweet with Theo. It literally gives me goosebumps. I always thought we’d have one more, but it’s not looking possible. Day care is hella expensive, and there’s not enough money to make everyone’s dreams come true! But who knows, maybe things will align and we’ll have one down the road. Natalie’s already over 3. There would be quite a spread! :-/
You’ve always been so sweet about them. ❤️ kids are effing expensive, man! I realized I’m never gonna make as much as my parents did and they had 5 kids. And lived in the Midwest. Had to adjust my expectations. I’m sure if you do end up having another kid, it’ll be fine! Several people are commenting here and on IG about 5 and 6 years apart. (One of my sisters is 8 years younger and I love her dearly!)
We have three children (now grown). Our oldest (a son) is 5 1/2 years older than our middle (a daughter). Our daughter is 22 months older than our youngest (another son). Having a toddler and a newborn was a bit rougher at first vs. the five year old and a newborn. I would also say the younger two went through a phase (jr. high and high school age) where our daughter tried to mother her younger brother, which he didn’t really appreciate! However, at ages 26, 21, and 19, they are now all very close. I wouldn’t let age gap prevent anyone from attempting to add to their family. As you stated above, much of it depends on the children’s individual personalities, as well as the general atmosphere of the home. Blessings to you!
I love how you think about this, Ashley. You’re right, it’s a privilige to plan your kids’ age gap and it’s something people really should care less about (in general). I always love to see how Gabe and Theo interact (on IG and IG stories) and they seem to be the sweetest siblings.
Mine are 4 years apart, too, and I’m with you on the “worrying what others think.” It really does seem like everyone has theirs 2 years apart and we are outside the norm. I even had an acquaintance tell me, all judgy, “Well, we had OURS 2 years apart so they could play together.” Well, good for you. Mine play together, just differently. Mine are going to be 11 and 7 next month and I will tell you that they are playing together quite well now, and there are more movies and games we can all do together, etc. OH! And get a bike trailer! We did that for the longest time so we could go biking together. Now the little one has what he calls a “half a bike” that attaches to the back of my husband’s bike so he can ride with us — he wouldn’t keep up otherwise.
Yesssss. I’ve had people say that to me before, too. Like “oh really? I had mine 4 years apart because I wanted them to hate each other” :-P (actually I fought WAY more with my sister 1 year younger than my sisters 4 and 8 years younger!)
happy to hear from someone a little further down the line! :) thanks!
I have a friend who was one of two children 4 years apart, and she always said that if she could choose, she would also have them 4 years apart. As it turns out, she got her choice. (Considering they had to have IVF for both kiddos, it’s kind of amazing it turned out that way.). The biggest advantage that she likes is the fact that they are four years apart in school. For example, they have been able to focus on one high schooler at a time, always making it to their events and participating in their lives a bit. Their older child will be a senior in college this year and their second child will be a senior in high school. The kids get along just fine too, though I also think personality has more to do with it than years. (My only sibling is 2 1/2 years younger than I am. We do all right but not like my kids get along (really well) – and they are 2 years 9 months apart!) I like my kids the way they are just fine (even with Robbie being 7.5 and 10 years younger). I do not think it is a disadvantage in most ways to have them a bit farther apart either.
As an only child & also not-a-mom, I feel like… this age gap seems totally normal to me? I never would have thought of it as unusual or uncommon or anything like that. I feel like most of my friends, actually, & my own mother, all have siblings who are, like, NINE years apart, so four seems pretty normal!A friend of mine currently has two under 2, & I actually can’t imagine that. I’m sure it’ll be nice for them once the kids are a little older, but I think your age gap sounds a little nicer. :)
Overall, though: Is it weird that I never even thought about, like, planning the spacing between your kids ages? I guess that shows you how far I am from parenthood, but I literally never even would’ve realized that there are people who are “obsessed” with two-year age gaps. This was an interesting look into parenting for me!
I’m sure I never paid attention to it until after I had Gabe! why would you, you know? It was just not on my radar. (I’ve probably had at least 10 people talk to me nervously about “how far apart” their kids are going to be at 4 years. My client even said “everyone seems to have negative opinions and thinks it’s big a gap!” )
Yes to all of this! I’m currently pregnant with #2 and my 1st is 6 years old. Like you said, planning for specific spacing is a privileged and we had financial decisions and fertility issues so we have a large gap. For a while I was nervous about diapering after not having to deal with that for about 4 years but I like your point – only one baby to diaper! There is no perfect family – gender or space wise and we’re all just trying to do our best. Theo and Gabe are excellent brothers and friend and you’re doing a great job, mama!
Nah, a break being diapering is nicer than being steeped in diapers for years on end. I think the spacing will make you cherish the hard stuff even more! ❤️
Wow, what perfect timing! I am due with baby boy #2 in four weeks and the age gap between this one and our older son will be 3 years and 10 months as well! Much like you, we had no control over that gap since we struggled with secondary infertility and miscarriage as well. But as this pregnancy comes to a close I have been more and more thankful that we have the almost four year gap even though that wasn’t our first choice. My husband and I are both only two years older than our next sibling so we weren’t sure how the dynamics of four years between siblings would work. This glimpse into your life and thoughts definitely reassures me that even though our guys are farther apart, they can still be great buddies. And I have loved every moment and memory we have had with our oldest on his own before adding #2 to our family. Thanks so much for sharing this!!
I’ve been thinking about this topic! Maggie is 4.5 and when I mentioned the possibly of wanting/having another, my dad said, “It’s too late, isn’t it? They won’t be close.” Also, the longer I wait, the more comfortable I’m getting with the freedom and relative peace and sanity of one, so it’s hard to take that leap. But yeah, that’s been on the radar. So thanks for the insight!
I’m surprised to hear how many negative comments you (and others) have had about a larger age gap! My two are 4 years and 7 months apart and I don’t think we got many comments before my pregnancy or after. Maybe because I wasn’t part of mommy groups since I work full-time? Either way, it really wasn’t something we got any negative feedback on! I think I probably gave more negative feedback the other, since I kept commenting that I don’t know how people did the combo of a 1 1/2 year old while they were pregnant! Honestly, having two within two years sound soooo much harder!
I think that you really can’t plan the relationship that siblings (or anyone really!) have. My sister and I had a 2.5 year gap but were never close. I hope that my son and daughter are close, but I also know that we can have a close and fulfilling family no matter what their relationship looks like. They may be really tight and best buds or not, but we can still create lasting family routines that are beneficial and fulfilling to all of us.
For us, it took us 18 months to get pregnant the first time and then had a rough first year…depression, job changes, etc. So it took us almost 4 full years to be willing to stick our toes into the waters of those difficult times again. Luckily the second time around pregnancy came fast and easy, but we wanted to be as strong as possible to handle another round of infertility if it happened that way. I think we’ve learned through a variety of experiences that you don’t choose your family, whether thats the number of kids or their spacing or the life circumstances that happen during your baby years. And we’re grateful now that we don’t get to choose those circumstances because the growth and blessings that can come from the unexpected are so much deeper and richer than just having “the plan” work out on the first try.
If/when Dave and I have another kid they will be at least 6 years younger than Sadie. Sort of planned, sort of not. But it is what it is! And I have cousins 6 years younger than me who are like sisters to me now so I know it can be good.
Our boys are 365 days apart. The “Irish twins” as they’re called are now 18 and 19 and I’m grateful of the closeness in age but as infants and toddlers there was always a fiasco. We also have a 4 year old daughter which threw everyone for a loop when I was pregnant. I recall my eldest son saying “you know how that happened, don’t you?” when my hubby and I announced the pregnancy. The oldest and youngest are thick as thieves even with the 15 year age difference. The one thing she certainly has provided is birth control. Both boys know they are NOT ready to be fathers!
sometimes it’s better to have your kids at least 3 years apart to be ready at all times.
Love this post :) My kids are three years apart (not by choice), and I agree with a lot of your positives. However, my kids do fight quite often, maybe because they are very different — one very sensitive, the other very physical. In any way, I love the way they are, and appreciate your perspective.
Honestly, I had no idea that a sibling age gap was an even issue that people feel like they need to comment. Maybe because my boys are exactly 2.5 years apart? Looking at my kids’, friends’ kids’, and my own sibling relationships, I think age spacing doesn’t predict anything. Siblings can have a close relationship with a large age gap, and siblings might not get along that well even if they are born just 1-2 years apart. I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I sometimes secretly wonder if a larger age gap would have been better for our family. For one, I found the first couple of years with two very young children super exhausting. Also, we’ve struggled with sibling rivalry and jealousy a lot, which might not have been as much of an issue with a larger age gap.
It’s really crazy the things people feel the need to comment on. My sister and I are 4.5 years apart (5 school years)- also due to 2 miscarriages. We have always been close, and I think the age gap was good for us because we are different and have always had our own lives, so to speak. My boys are almost 3 years apart. I honestly do not know how people do the tiny age gaps and I have felt the whole time that this gap or a larger one is the best one for my family (and my sanity). I do unfortunately still have 2 in diapers because Max will not give those up (insert eye roll emoji).
To me, just from following along over the years, I feel like your boys have a great relationship and I remember always thinking if Max had a younger sibling I hope they would get along like your kids do!
Great post! It is a privilege when you can plan the spacing! I will keep that in mind.
I loved reading this so much. I’ve so loved seeing your boys grow up individually and together. I wish I could plan on spacing my kids out a certain way, but that’s just not in the cards – and it’s hard when people ask or talk about planning it out. Also, I have a sister 3.5 years younger and two brothers that are 11 & 13 years younger. I remember thinking it was weird growing up, but now, it’s just normalish. And like you said, every family is different, every dynamic is different and that’s the biggest thing.
I think the age gap between Gabe and Theo is not too big. Gabe is growing taller at his age; that’s why the age gap may seem more obvious to some people.
Life is rarely/never perfect. From what I see, your children get along very well and are fond of each other. That is important.
To some extent, age gap between siblings in general might – perhaps – be important, but personality and how they get along are even more important.
My grandmother’s sister was 10 years younger than my grandmother, but they got along very well and were always close. I think that’s because they always respected each other and were mature, responsible people despite the age gap. When my grandmother got ill and later died, her sister was always by her side (at the hospital, at home).
So don’t fret over this; your kids are fine. I know it’s a privilege to plan one children’s spacing.
How many children did or do you hope to have? (I know this is a privilege too.) I’m asking this because I often wonder how do we know how many children are right for us to have, from a financial and/or familial point of view? I don’t mention fertility because that is unforeseeable for all of us…
Best wishes.
My sister and I are four years and six days apart, and we actually got along pretty well growing up. In between me and my older sister, my mom had four miscarriages so she considered me her “miracle child.” The age difference didn’t seem to come up except for when it came to school and our birthdays (which were sometimes combined because her birthday was on the 14th and mine’s was on the 20th, or whenever she got more money than me because she was older). I can see the pros and cons that you have when it comes to your sons but I think it will turn out pretty well. The one thing I liked was always having a big sister who could prepare me for things to come when I got to her age and what I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that we have a lot of things in common despite the age difference. I hope this helps.
Love this post.
This is really comforting to read, we were going to have a 2.5 year age gap and sadly that choice was taken away from us after losing our little boy at 32 weeks, initially my instinct was to get pregnant again immediately but as time has passed I’ve put that off to make sure I’m in the right frame of mind and it means (all going well) I’ll be looking at a minimum 4 year age gap – my concern with this was that my own age gap was 6 years (for very similar reasons) and until our 20s we hated each other, we never seemed to be in the same place and it’s hard to know whether that’s down to age or personality, We get on amazingly well now in our 30s and have infact moved a few streets apart, I just don’t want 15+ years of fighting in my household, I’m surprised my mum didn’t go insane!
It’s nice to read how well your boys get along… here’s hoping x
Thanks so much for this article. My husband and I are worried that it’s too late for us to have another little one. Our son will be 4 in a few months. Due to child care expenses/careers it just wasn’t feasible to have 2 children close together. Your pics are giving me some hope. XX
I love this post, I did wanted an age gap of 2 years but I lost my child, It was a very hard time for me, so I decided to wait, now I am
Pregnant and they will have a 3year 10 month age gap, I’m really scared of loosing my kid again, I just don’t know how to feel, if I get to happy and my baby doesn’t make it I really don’t think I can’t go through again, I had thought that may be just one kid it will be a good idea, but I just think I’m scared of going through miscarriage again. I really hope I can have this baby because just like you I think my kid will be a great big brother. Please pray for us .
Ok I have a ton to say about this!! And disclaimer, my opinions are strong as it’s about my family. I just can’t believe that people make a big difference over 4 years! And being so controlling with your body and family so you can fit in, creating a plan for spacing before considering how your specific body, relationship, and child will be doing is so foreign to me. This is still considered a small spacing like in most of the world. Even online, the category is often “2-4 years”. The idea that bc everyone around you does something you must too is tempting, but it’s kinda immature and it stops at my family. Babies are human beings with their own specific needs and not a tool for conforming to judgemental friends and family who one should probably spend less time with anyways. How about telling people to mind their own business? They can plan their pregnancies and use their bodies the way they want but I am not a surrogate and no one knows what’s better for a woman and her family than that woman. People also will judge you for something or the other if really they want to, being in a mixed race relationship, having a c-section, having financial hardship etc…Am I gonna live my life by other people’s racist sexist classist etc…values? I reject other people’s values as they pertain to my fertility bc I am a feminist. And I am deliberately spacing my children 4 years apart. I felt the resentment my younger sister (3 yrs and one day exactly) had for me growing up. Yes, we played tgthr, but we also argued a lot later and she always wanted her own friends, more of her own activities etc…She had real attachment issues and rivalry, always feeling compared to me. It lead to enormous issues later that kinda wrecked the family. I would say, for girls esp, waiting 3 years btw pregnancy seems to make for a better lifelong relationship. And one decades long Harvard study concluded that your relationship with your siblings is the number one predictor of happiness in middle age. So, this is important not just in childhood, but it is certainly established in childhood. My father’s sister was 2 years older and she despised him, telling him to walk far behind her when they went places and also trying to hurt him in his crib when my grandma wasn’t watching. She got along perfectly with their youngest sibling though. My partner has 5 siblings and his older sister asked if they couldn’t leave him at the side of the road when he was born, for someone else to take care of. That was 3 years difference. Without exception, in his family the best sibling relationships are 4-8 years apart. I could bring up all the different examples but they’re there for everyone to see and I don’t know why people keep pretending there’s no pattern. Having a baby so your first can have a playmate or so you can get back to work or so they’re easier to drive around to the same activities, does not make up for all the naps they’re going to wake each other up from or all the sleep deprivation/premature aging the parents will have to go through or the hours of escalated crying in unison. There are siblings going to counseling at 4 and 6 bc they can’t stand each other, twins tearing at each other seekings attention from anyone who will give it (obv that spacing can’t be helped) etc….In a lot of cultures less than 3 years between births is taboo bc it really isn’t great for the kids or the mom’s mineral deposits. And the second child is often not as healthy as the first. The risk of SIDS goes up bc what babies really need is near undivided attention and that’s impossible with a toddler too and not fair to the toddler. I can’t imagine even getting pregnant before my daughter turned 3. There were big painful molars coming in when she was 2 and my partner and I lost sleep over it. You argue more when your kids are young bc it’s really stressful for the parents to be so responsible for a baby. I don’t want to place undue stress on my relationship. I’m in this for the long haul. I want to have 3, maybe 4 kids and a partner to raise them with and also to grow old with. The statistic that 53% of couples divorce I’m sure is not unrelated to the back to back children trend. I’ve noticed if you have 2 back to back you’re A)not gonna have a third bc the first two were so hard and really burnt you out. B)Gonna have your third like 9 years later or C)you can add a third in less time than that but it will most likely break up your relationship. I just see this happen again and again. The way our society is organized, it places too much stress on the couple to have a newborn and a toddler bc we don’t really have that “it takes a village” mentality. Asking friends and family to lend a hand with the dishes or laundry or other domestic tasks is often not recieved well and many people’s extended family are spread over several states…