The number of ultrasounds and pregnancy tests this time was a little crazy. And this doesn’t even include the 20-week ultrasound…
I want to write this all down before I get any further. Because it might help someone in early pregnancy after pregnancy loss and because I want to remember how I’m feeling. It’s super personal and I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable.
All I could think about after each of my miscarriages was getting pregnant again. It didn’t take away the heartache, but it made it a little less painful and made me less consumed with bitterness, if I’m honest.
When I first found I was pregnant this past October, I was 70% terrified, 30% excited. (After it sank in, it might have been more like 90%/10%)
After losses in April and August, finding myself pregnant again in October felt like I was voluntarily stepping back onto a roller coaster where the seat belts may or may not work. It might have been too soon after my loss, but I didn’t know how else to move forward than to try to get pregnant again. So I got on the roller coaster and hoped it ended well.
I had to wait four weeks between getting a positive pregnancy test and getting my viability ultrasound. The four longest weeks of all time.
I mentioned that the first month was incredibly difficult and full of anxiety, but I don’t think I can overemphasize just how hard it was. I couldn’t sleep. I was an anxious wreck. I bought myself a journal to write in and joined an online support group for women who were pregnant after loss(es). I worried about everything – I felt like the burden of whether or not I had another miscarriage lie entirely on me. Should I be asking to have my HCG and progesterone monitored? Was I prescribed enough progesterone? Is there something I can be doing to avoid going through hell again?
As much as I thought I was preparing myself for a miscarriage the first time around, nothing came close to the level of anxiety I felt this time. To fear something and then have it that happen to you twice? Pretty much a ticket to the crazy house. And if you ask Mike, I was certainly there. I would sob to him several times a week (when I “knew” all signs pointed to another miscarriage) that I couldn’t do it again. I prayed to St. Gerard that I would feel sick. (I promptly threw up for the first time that night! And didn’t stop until a week ago…)
It really makes you trust your body a whole lot less. And statistics. Sure, statistics told me that I had a 75% chance of carrying this baby to term after two consecutive miscarriages. But statistics also told me I only had a 10% chance of having a first miscarriage and that only 2% of women experience two consecutive miscarriages, so statistics are pretty meaningless to me after being on the other side.
We’ve never had an ideal number of children in mind – just told ourselves we’d take it one child at a time. But last week, we were discussing it again and Mike told me that pregnancy was just too stressful now. It breaks my heart a little that our family plans might be altered because the process of getting to add another baby to our family is so difficult on both of us. (The hard part should be when the newborn is here! Not before.)
I’m thankful to be here, so very very thankful, but also want to acknowledge just how hard it was and how much the support of a few friends who’ve been through multiple miscarriages got me through it. If you find yourself pregnant after loss(es), I’d recommend two things:
– Find support. Friends, online, somewhere. People who’ve been there and get it.
– Remind yourself that worrying doesn’t take away any pain that may come tomorrow, but does rob today of its joy. But don’t be too hard on yourself. <3
Hi – I just recently started following your blog – I like it for lots of reasons, one of which is your thoughtful and open posts about pregnancy loss. I’m just coming out of one, so this really speaks to me. I can relate to your readiness to get going again. I can’t wait to one day have positive associations with seeing ultrasounds pictures like those, never having had one that was “good.” Anyway, thanks so much for this post. If you don’t mind sharing, what was your online support group?
You’re mighty brave to share such personal emotions in such a public forum. I haven’t the faintest idea what it’s like to miscarry and so I won’t pretend that I do. But, I most certainly know what it’s like for pregnancy to have a very real link to whether or not a couple attempts to get pregnant again.
Pregnancy itself was easy for me, but it ended way too soon. At 31 weeks, we had a preemie, who would go on to stay in the hospital for five weeks. Like your thanks for a healthy pregnancy so far, we were so darn thankful that our preemie was in good health (he just needed to grow). But, the unknowns of why I delivered so early and the scary possibilities of all that can go wrong with such an early birth swayed both Sweets and me to close the door to ever getting pregnant again. While we were already leaning towards only having one child, I did have a moment of sadness over our circumstances making that decision for us.
SO grateful you’re sharing this. xoxoxo
You are very brave sharing this but that’s one of the reasons I love this blog so much. You are so honest and down to earth with everything. Mike and I started trying in 2007 for a baby and fell pregnant very quickly but I had a miscarriage with that one. I think I then lost count of how many I had (I don’t mean to sound flippant it’s just I would take a test, get excited and then 2 weeks later would start bleeding so I stopped taking tests and would just presume period was late!) Anyway when I found I was pregnant in November 2011 I could not relax until about week 32 as I was just waiting for something to go wrong. As I had been born at week 32 that was my benchmark for everything going to be ok. We decided when Amy was born that we were not doing it again. One we are 5 years older than when we had started which now makes Mike 45 (I’m still a young chick at 33) and two we just could not go through all that heartache and stress again. We count our blessings every day that we have our gorgeous daughter but she is going to be enough for us.
I am so glad everything is going well for you this time and I am sure all your readers will agree with me when I say we can’t wait to “meet” him or her!! Take care
I agree with others that you are amazing to share this.
I have not had a miscarriage, thankfully, but I can relate to this post in so many ways. I was pretty low key about pregnancy (having not experienced a loss) up until I was diagnosed with cholestasis and then the anxiety was impossible to get rid of. I kept reading about people who had cholestasis and it led to a stillbirth and I was just convinced that was going to happen to me if I didn’t do x, y and z. I was the same way as you with the statistics, I knew the actual statistics were higher than a normal pregnancy but not SUPER high, but then I thought, but the stats of actually having cholestasis are so low and yet I have it so obviously stats don’t matter. I have a 90% chance of getting it again in another pregnancy and Eric has basically said he does not want to/does not want me to go through the stress of that again. Maybe we will forget about the stress in a few years and end up changing our mind, but I don’t like that the decision has to be based on a previous bad experience and not about actually wanting/not wanting another child.
By the way, I know you’ve already had a newborn but for me, the stress/pregnancy process was SO SO SO much harder than having a newborn has proven to be. In fact, as soon as this baby was out of me I was in some kind of zen state. Everyone at the hospital was fussing left and right about the “36 week baby” and I was like yeah, he’s out- he’ll be fine. Hopefully that will be the case for you also.
Not having any experiences in pregnancies or loss, just here to let you know I’m thinking of you and praying for you every day; big hugs. xo
Thanks for sharing this! I had a miscarriage between Topher and Ellie and it made my pregnancy with Ellie so much more stressful. It didn’t help that there were so many “issues” – the doctor thought something was wrong with her kidneys, then he thought her head was too small, then he thought she wasn’t growing properly … I had to force myself to stop reading pregnancy books and to avoid Dr. Google because I was going crazy! Ellie ended up being perfectly fine, but I was a huge ball of stress until I was holding her in my arms. The miscarriage was a big reason we decided to stop after having two kids. Having Ellie at all is such a huge blessing, and I can’t imagine going through all of that again!
Thank you for a great post. I found your blog in November 2010 and followed for awhile until my loss at 18 weeks. I have also been on the other side of statistics, with a late loss and yes, they absolutely mean nothing anymore. I have gone on to have a healthy daughter but I am contemplating another pregnancy. It’s too stressful, I hope to go through with it someday. I’m happy to see you so far along with your next child. Good luck to you!
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