This past summer marked the end of five years my husband spent in a doctoral program, which was preceded by two -and-a-half years in a Master’s program.
For almost all of the first eight years of our marriage, Mike was pursuing academic degrees. (And we met when he was pursuing his first Master’s. You know, the one he got “for fun.”)
And here we are, on the other side. No debt, lots of degrees, an intact marriage, two kids, and the holy grail, a job with a salary and benefits.
The most challenging part of it all for us was the lack of money and the anxiety of the future’s uncertainty.
I was asked to share how to survive your spouse’s PhD program and I hesitate from offering advice about this because:
- Every program is so different – the school, the academic field, etc
- Every family situation is different – maybe the other partner works full-time, maybe you guys live with your parents, maybe you have no kids, maybe you have 6 kids, maybe you live in a super expensive area, maybe your spouse’s PhD is “just for fun.”
But here I am, sharing anyway, because I want to share before I forget! Take it with a grain of salt that your life might be totally different.
Our situation: We planned Mike’s career to be the primary source of income. We had one son right as the program started, then another son right as his year-long internship started. I worked outside the home part-time for three years, then from home for the last two years, earning most of our income. My family lived close enough to see us regularly. We lived in a very affordable area, shared a car, and had no school loans. His tuition was covered through an assistantship, he got a very modest stipend, and we had to purchase our own health insurance. It was all very, very patchworky and it changed every single year.
seven tips for surviving your spouse’s PhD program:
Know that it is temporary.
Keep your eye on the prize – yes, it is hard now and it totally sucks that you are, like, super poor for many years, but it is not forever. Truly. It will end. And if you’re really lucky, there is a job at the end! (Oh, I hope there is a job for you at the end.)
And later, you’ll look back and be like, “We did that! We survived!” And that feels pretty good.
But don’t hesitate to invest in where you are now because you might move.
Being in an academic field means you often have to follow the jobs and move for them. (Hello.) The uncertainty and transient-nature of your life might make you want to keep to yourself since you’ll be moving soon anyway. But you never know! (We were supposed to be in Ohio for three years and ended up being there for five.) Being lonely is not fun, so reach out. Invest.
Look for the positives.
Like, “Hey, we have a meager salary, but the kids get to see their dad a lot more often than if he was in a 9-5!”
For us, it was also a really positive thing for our kids and our relationship that we were both able to share the child care and the income earning for so many years.
Gabe and I used to leave our apartment for “Sunday adventures” almost every Sunday for a year so Mike would have the time and quiet to work on his dissertation. It became a ritual we both looked forward to.
Remind yourself why you’re doing this.
It might be a longer road, but hopefully once the PhD is under your/his/her belt, you/he/she will be able to get a dream job that wouldn’t be possible without that degree.
For us, the flexibility of a professor position was part of that dreaminess. We wanted to be together as a family more often, and being a professor was a way to make that happen.
Seek out other people who are doing this family and doctoral program thing so they get it.
It can feel lonely and weird and no one really gets why in the world you would subject yourself or your family to this. Most people understand medical residency, but PhDs usually lack the post-residency job security and salaries, so other families in the same boat can commiserate and support each other. Even just hanging out with Mike’s classmates who’d been in school for years made me feel more understood and normal.
Communicate.
Chances are you’re both feeling stretched and tired of school. Don’t try to suck it up, talk. Regrouping at the end of every day to just talk for 10 minutes each does wonders for us both to feel connected. It’s easy to feel resentful and bitter and scared about the future, but talking it out can help. Then eating some cereal while watching Netflix. That also seems to help.
Support them!
People might roll their eyes at how long your spouse has been in school or make remarks about how they are a forever student. Back your partner up and support them fiercely.
Also, depending on the field, a PhD doesn’t always mean you can find a job. Support your spouse as they work to gain the experience or research that will make a more viable candidate for desired post-PhD position.
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When Mike was applying to PhD programs, we found out I was pregnant with our first child. A college friend who was already a mom found out and told me he shouldn’t go to school. She said that it would break my heart if I had to work after having a baby. That we would regret him going to school and he should just get a job to support us instead.
It wasn’t an easy road, but now that we’re through it, I’m so glad we were able to make it work.
Hopefully this will be helpful to someone, somehow. xo
Hi Ashley! I’ve been following your blog for about a year and a half now and I’ve really been enjoying it. My husband is in his last year as a Ph.D.
student at Michigan State University (job search and dissertation time, oh boy) and I have a little boy who’s about six months younger than Theo. It’s been comforting to read about your experiences with pregnancy after miscarriage (I had multiple miscarriages too before giving birth to my son), babyhood, toddlerhood, surviving a PhD program and getting a job.
Your posts give me hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel!
In order to get my family through the next several months, I just quit my full-time job and decided to take on full-time childcare while earning my master’s degree (fortunately we have enough savings from me working full time for the past 3 years). Eventually I’d like to get into mobile app development and maybe even start my own business like you were able to do with Little Leaf. Do you have any advice for someone going down that path?
Did you teach yourself web design or were you doing something along those lines before?
Hi! Sorry I’m just getting to this.
First, CONGRATS to both of you for making it work! And for being at the end of a long process! How exciting and scary and SO MANY EMOTIONS.
Second, you *kind of* have your hands full with master’s & a baby, but long story short – my web design came about as a result of community college classes + hands-on experience. SO yes! Totally possible to teach yourself. Lynda.com has great resources, I hear. I get a lot of questions from moms who’d love to work for themselves as a designer in some capacity, so I’m planning to eventually release something for that sort of thing. Good luck!
Nice summary!
My husband is in his final year of a PhD program in Physics. While we don’t have any kids, I am the primary breadwinner, life coordinator, household-runner, you name it, I do it. He does science, 24/7, so that he can GRADUATE. It’s been hard, but I think it will be worth it in the long run.
Yes! I hope it is worth it for you guys. (Final year! HOORAY!!)
Great great tips! Looking at the positive and long-term effect of this can definitely help anyone survive it :). Congrats guys!
I don’t think my marriage will make it through my husband working on his thesis. We are in year six and he has been working on the summary for 2.5 years and cannot get approval. We have a daughter age 11. I am scared. He is threatening to leave me because of my lack of support.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. That sounds incredibly stressful. I know how difficult the process can be on a marriage – even more so with kids and not being able to get approval, I image. I hope he finishes quickly or has a plan B in case this all takes even longer. Sending you my love! <3
Hello ,great article !im in kind in the same situation.. my boyfriend is in his final year of Phd now he is in Saudi Arabia and i am in Greece our hometown..we met 2 years before and we started our relationship from distance ..everything is fine we are in love and we want soon to get married when we finished…but in Saudi Arabia things are different for woman specially, and the only way to go with him is to get married…and i also i am in my final year of studies so i have responsibilities back home.. as you see we have to deal the final year and the long distance too..he is very nervous about his thesis and i feel like we have a gap between us .i get very frastuated about the situation because i want to help but i feel like i cant do as much as i could if i were next to him fisically.
Oh Ashley, thank you for this post. My husband and I are looking into his getting a PhD in Wildlife Management. I’m scared about what it might do to our marriage – we got married in 2015 and have a little boy now. I work part time as an Adjunct Instructor. I think part of the difficulty is not really knowing what we want to do 25 years from now. Growing up, I thought I’d like to stay home with my kids, but working part-time is also quite rewarding for me. The childcare situation where we are now (South Carolina) is easy, but I’m not sure how everything will pan out once we move (possibly to Utah). What would you advise me to do during these planning days?
Oh, I totally know what you mean – I thought I’d want to stay at home, but I really thrive working part-time!
So much is unpredictable with child care and PhD programs – it would probably help you to know what his schedule would be like – if he’d have an assistantship and how many hours he’d need to work, etc. My guess is you can make it work – maybe with a few hours of paid child care here and there to fill the gaps if needed. (We had my parents nearby which helped fill those random gaps when I was working 20 hours a week out of the home. Working from home is easier for that!)
It was good to read this. I’m struggling with being in the middle of the PHD. Husband is in fourth year of however long it takes, we know how that goes… We’re in debt, we have a four year old and I’m struggling. It’s a good read. Thanks…
It was good to read about someone who has been through the same thing I’m going through. My husband & I have almost been married 13 years (we have 2 kids, age 7 & 10) and he had been in school All 13 years (undergrad, masters, & a Ph.D. that’s taking much longer than planned). Thanks for sharing your experience. :)
Hi Heather & Ashley…
Heather, How did your marriage survive 13 years of school? My marriage is in year 12 (all with my husband in various degrees), and I’m completely burnt out. His ego and heady-ness and whimsical dreams about the future with hardly any talk of action steps to settle down into a job, all ruined my respect and support for him. I’m bitter and ready to leave, but I feel like our 2yo daughter deserves a bit more effort on both our parts. But everyone who knows me can see and wonders why I’m still there. I don’t know how a wife can or is supposed to survive this situation? I feel amazing heaps of guilt for the way I feel but I cannot pretend it’s okay and live this way any longer. Thanks for sharing your support & experience!
My Fiancé is in his last months of a 4.5 year PhD program in engineering. We don’t have children and I am a primary bread winner and it’s been tough. How women make it with children God only knows. My heart goes out to you! Long hours at the lab, no income. I am hoping it’s almost over. I want to help and encourage other women who are grad school widows in essense! Feel free to write to me at my soulinwater@gmail.com adress. I want to offer help anyway I can.
Hi Ashley!
I am a student in my Bachelor’s program (B.S. Biology) and am considering pursuing a PhD. I found your blog as I am thinking WAY in advance about the future (and counting the cost).
Any thoughts from the spouse who is working on the PhD on how to maintain the work-family balance? Thanks!
Hey!
A little late to the party – but I am so glad I stumbled upon this! My husband and I met when he was a junior undergrad and I a freshman. We both did an MBA and then he went on to do a PhD in Experimental Psych. He’s working on his dissertation now while doing a job search. But he also was offered an assistant professor gig in a different department, so he’s doing that full-time as well! Needless to say, it’s been a HECTIC summer/semester. I am glad it’s almost done!
The biggest issue I have is that I have an EXCELLENT job. I love it and I am the “bread winner”, so to say. He has the option to keep his job here and we’d (finally) buy a house. However, I know it’s not his passion, and I’m afraid he’ll settle after all this work. I also know that having an MBA myself will allow me a lot of opprtunities, I’m afraid I won’t find a job I love as much and I’ll grow resentment. Do you have any ideas on how to combat this?
Thanks!
I really appreciated this article. I am considering a PhD program for 2018 but my husband is not 100% on board.
He is unemployed as of this writing and we have an 8 year old precious girl. I need to know how to be supportive.
So first-I don’t know how to do this without his support and two : I am afraid I will be a bad mother to my child if I go to school. My program is Theatre/CLassic Greek. So it will include some night hours too.
How can I make sure my daughter and I stay as close as we are now?
Hi Ashley!
I loved your blog okay! Truly amazing..! Okay coming to the point directly..
What got me to your blog was me getting into a relationship with this guy from my High school who had a ‘huge crush’ on me (as he says it) and took 6 long years to confess! So, after almost an year of casual chatting and talking even i confessed my feelings for him and here i am… dating a ‘soon to be PhD student’!!
He has already got his accepts for an integrated MS PhD program from UIUC and some decisions are still awaited!
Honestly the relationship is not too old okay! (Probably it doesn’t even stand a tad bit close to yours) But i can feel it.. its him.. i always wanted someone like him!! I am totally deeply in love with him ❤
I am into my final year of Chartered Accountancy and wish to delve into the magical world of Finance later!
Can you please give me some inputs which would help us carry of our relationship (well, its going to be long distance for atleast 5 years, before we plan our future together) Not that i am very anxious about this.. but we both are committed to sticking around and we know that better things await! But as they say its always easier to connect dots looking backwards.. and we have a long journey to reach there yet!
I would love to hear from you, your advice for us!
Regards,
A prospective blogger on “Surviving our LDR and his PhD”