Or, My Struggles with Working and Not Working as a Mom.
A couple of months ago, an expectant friend excitedly shared with me her plans of quitting her job and staying home with her baby.
I was thrilled for her; I knew it was what she wanted. A familiar pang of jealousy hit me, though: Why isn’t that a choice for me? What if I didn’t have to worry about anything else but watching Gabe grow, getting dinner on the table, and filling my home with happy thoughts and flowers?
But, here’s the thing: I’m happy. Also, I’m not sure what I would do if I had the choice.
Growing up, I was forced to listen to a lot of Dr. Laura, who’s a big fan (understatement) of women at home. Therefore, my view of motherhood as a 12-year-old was: Why have kids if you’re not going to take care of them yourself?
Right.
So, not the most sensitive or understanding stance, but, hey, I was a pre-teen. What did I know? (I’m pretty sure I was also certain I was the future Mrs. Zac Hanson, would go to acting school at NYU, and become an actress. Which is still what I expect my future to hold. Obviously.)
Fast-forward thirteen years to my actual becoming a mother and working full-time at a job I loved.
Once Gabe arrived, I just knew I couldn’t work full-time and drive several hours a day commuting. Not because it’d make me a terrible mother, but because it’d make me a terrible wife and person. I’d be miserable trying to squeeze everything into just a few hours a week – our apartment would be a pit of messiness, I’d never work out, and I’d generally just be a bitter Betty. So, I quit my job (ranking up there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever done).
We toyed with idea of using our savings to fund my staying at home for a year (with Mike making peanuts, living off his income alone isn’t an option – unless we lived with my parents and that is just not happening), but when I happened to get a job working 16 hours a week at Starbucks, I snapped it up. It ended up being perfect, and I had no qualms about leaving Gabe a few mornings a week with Mike. I was home by noon each day, I got to drink delicious beverages while eating apple fritters, Mike was empowered to play a big role in Gabe’s caretaking, and, most surprisingly, I felt like me.
I talked to customers, I wore pants that weren’t stretchy, I laughed with my coworkers, and I was good at it. I learned how to be a barista, how to connect with customers, how to sneak drinking a latte while working the drive-thru. I didn’t realize how refreshing and…important it would be for me to think about something other than Gabe’s eating and sleeping patterns.
A few months later, when a part-time job with better pay and more ‘in my field’ opened up, I applied, got the job, and started on Valentine’s Day. I work 20 hours a week, get holidays and the summer off (albeit unpaid), and can make my own schedule. It’s a good deal.
I used to roll my eyes when others would say, “Working makes me a better mom.”
Psh, I’d think. Being with your kid makes you a better mom.
Oh, Ashley. When will you learn that you are NEVER RIGHT?
My time at work does makes me a better mom. I am an introvert, but I still need to see other adults. And have conversations about things like politics and religion and education. Being at work is my social outlet. I get to chat with students, connect with coworkers, and, again, think about something other than ‘mom stuff.’ Plus, I get a chance to work and email and write without being interrupted by my beautiful baby boy (or frantically cramming it into his naptime).
Best of all, I get some time alone. My 25 minutes each way to school goes a long way in keeping me sane. I had no idea how much I savored my alone time (naptime doesn’t count, amiright?) until a few weeks into summer.
“Mike. I don’t think I’ve been alone in three weeks. THREE. WEEKS. THREEEE WEEEEEEKS. help.” (Because he’s a great husband, he sent me to a coffee shop to work on a blog redesign.)
Sometimes I hear other moms wistfully talk about how they’d love for their only job to be a mom, and I assume I should feel the same.
But, I don’t.
I think the twinge of jealousy I feel is because I thought that was the life I wanted. (The same twinge I felt when I visited NYU’s campus. Okay, not really.) It’s taken me nearly a year of being honest with myself and coming to a realization: Just because I used to want X, and lots of others seem to want X, doesn’t mean X is right for me. [X being anything – quitting your day job, making money off your blog, liking bubble tea, opening an Etsy shop, joining Twitter, online dating, painting your nails, drinking a ton, having a baby, whatever. i.e.: Just because lots of bloggers you admire aspire to be ‘location independent,’ doesn’t mean that’s right for you.]
So, I can say this: I really, really like working part-time away from home.
I mean, sure I sort of wish I didn’t have to work at all, but that’s no different than I’ve ever felt (I’m lazy. And like wearing yoga pants. And don’t like driving to work.). (And I definitely wish I’d never had to pump in the winter in Starbucks’ parking lot in my car. Bleh.) And sometimes I am sad to leave Gabe for six or seven hours.
Honestly, I might not always feel this way. If part-time work wasn’t an option, as Gabe gets older, or if we move – maybe I’ll change my mind. But for this moment? I’m lucky. I have the best job I could imagine for my life right now. I get a paycheck that helps a lot and I’m still getting experience in my field, so if I decide to go back to work full-time when my kid(s) are older (my plan B if Little Leaf doesn’t pan out), my resume will be ready. My boss is ridiculously supportive and understands that Gabe and Mike are my first priorities. And I just got to spend two entire months with Gabe. It is possible to work outside the home and still love being a mom. And still adore your baby.
Lesson learned: Don’t judge until you’ve been there. And you may just surprise yourself. Also, allow yourself to revise your dreams for your life. Amen.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Ashley. One of my close friends had a baby three months before me and she immediately did everything in her power to ensure that she could be a SAHM when her maternity leave ended. For a while, I wondered why I didn’t feel the same way that she did. I loved ever second of my leave and I eat up ever moment I have with my sweet boy, but going back to work always seemed automatic to me. I worked hard in universaity to create a career for myself, not just as a placeholder until I started a family. I believe that, in many ways, working makes me a better mother. It gives me the opportunity to be intellectual with adults and do what I love in a professional setting, and when I get home I value every second I have with my family. I know a lot of people can’t understand that point-of-view, but for me it works. Really well. I’m able to provide financially for my family, too, which will give my son more opportunities to do things as he grows.
Thanks for this post. You really reflected a lot of my own feelings here. Wouldn’t it be nice if, in an ideal world, we were all just respected for our personal choices and didn’t feel that we were being judged for doing what we think is best?
Well, first I should point out that I’m not a mother yet, and there probably wont be a baby for at LEAST a year or more.
That being said, I really appreciated this post. First and foremost I’ve always wanted to be a mom. BUT I’m extremely career driven, and I try to work in fields that I feel like I’m actually DOING something. I’d like to say that I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but I’m not sure that I would feel comfortable with myself. I definitely would need adult interaction somehow. And I think I’d miss feeling productive. I feel proud to know I can take care of myself- even though I am in a relationship with a person I can rely on. I guess ideally… I’d like to find myself in a situation like you are in. Working part time somewhere I really enjoy. That way I can be a part time SAHM and a part time employee.
Great post!
As an outside observer to so many of my friends having babies (IRL and internet!) it’s so clear to me that all of these choices are so personal and I just hope that no one I’m close to has to deal with all the judgy judgy opinions out there about how they’re just doing it WRONG!
So I totally understand the benefits of getting out of the house and having Alone Time and Adult Time. Do you think you’d feel differently though if you had to put Gabe in daycare? Very few of my friends with babies have had to deal with that, so I’m just curious how that option changes things for people!
To be honest: If I had to put Gabe in daycare, I don’t think I’d work because: 1) It’s expensive. My hourly wage would probably just cover it, or leave little left afterward. Not worth it! Plus, they usually aren’t flexible enough to go with half-days or part-time care. So I’d either have to work more or pay for daycare I’m not using. and 2) I like that Gabe is always with someone who knows and LOVES him. Not saying that daycare is bad or not a good choice, just not sure I could make it. :)
Of course, I was totally looking at daycares before I knew Mike would be going to school near my family!
I’d probably just do the Starbucks thing – get out of the house, make a little money, but work around Mike’s schedule so he could watch him.
My thoughts are that it seems that the ladies who are driven to head back to work (I’m not yet a mom) are ones who have fulfilling/difference-making careers to begin with.
In my situation, I work in an office. It’s not terrible, but it’s a job and it pays the bills. And that’s it.
Part of why I’m NOT a mom yet, is because I want to the opportunity to at least weigh the option to stay home. And if I were to have a baby now, that baby would go to daycare after my maternity leave was over.
I am also curious (like Jenn above me) about how you think you would feel if you didn’t have Mike or family nearby to watch Gabe. I feel like that takes everything to a different level.
My job is just a job, too. (I am just an admin assistant – but! In an office I used to work in, so I’m thinking I can twist it on my resume.)
And when I worked at Starbucks? Definitely not a change-the-world kind of job! Haha.
For me, it’s about getting out of the house. About things revolving around my schedule as well as Mike’s. Stuff like that.
And if I didn’t have family/Mike to watch Gabe, things would be ENTIRELY different. Entirely. For one, I would have to pay so much that my paycheck would go straight to child care. There is a slim-to-none chance I’d work outside the home if we weren’t in this position. But we are! :) So I embrace it, happily.
Thanks for replying.
I tend to do that whole “MAKE DEFINITIVE STATEMENTS ABOUT SOMEDAY-MOTHERHOOD” thing right now…and then 6 minutes later kind of sigh, and realize I have NO idea what I’m actually in for, and make myself shut up about it.
Thanks! Seriously.
LOVE that last message. About revising your dreams. Sometimes it can feel like you’re a failure when things don’t work out, but that just opens you up to finding the RIGHT decision for YOU – not for someone else. So glad you were able to figure it out. :)
Lesson learned: Don’t judge until you’ve been there. And you may just surprise yourself. Also, allow yourself to revise your dreams for your life. Amen.
I might print this out and hang it on my wall!
That is exactly how I feel said better than I could say it. In Canada we get a year of paid maternity leave and I’m loving my year off, but I think I’m only loving it because I know it’s only for a year. I think I need to be a little bit selfish and I can’t throw away my career goals because I have a child. I’d end up feeling resentful and that definitely would not make me a better mom.
I feel like all my friends that are having babies not only want to be SAHMs but have the option of being SAHMs. And though they aren’t right now, I think most if not all will be, a few years down the road. I don’t have the option right now (my husband doesn’t make enough to support us right now) but like you if I did have the option, I wouldn’t anyways. It’s an odd feeling to not want something that seems to be what everyone else wants, isn’t it?
This is why Canada is awesome. I think a year is PERFECT. You get to breastfeed without worrying about stupid pumping, you get to bond with your baby like crazy, but your job is also secure!
Also, I’m right there with you – I’m afraid I’d be bitter if I had to be home 24/7…because then our life would revolve around MIKE’S schedule and when MIKE has to be places or work or whatever…and I just think I want more equality than that.
Maybe that makes me selfish? ;)
Ashley, I am so impressed with your honesty in this post. I know it’s a touchy subject, but you handled it with grace and authenticity. I hope all your readers understand how personal a choice like this is and respect you for making this one… because I think it’s one of the most respectable choices a person can make!
Like you, I’d always wanted to stay home. It was what I was familiar with. But I did recognize that it’s really a total luxury to be able to stay home with kids now, and I was realistic about it. Chris and I were always on the same page about it – if we can swing it, then we’ll make it happen. And pretty much every (money) decision we’ve made since being married had this end goal in mind.
I think that if I’d found a job that I loved, or was fulfilled, I would feel differently. If I’d ever found a career path that resonated with me, then I’d have wanted to go back to work. And I definitely DEFINITELY understand how working away from the family and having that time to yourself and something that is only yours can make you a better, more present mother. Actually, I loved working for Starbucks and felt fulfilled in that job, but it was stupid to work when all of that money would just go right back out for childcare. It didn’t make any sense for me to pay for outside childcare, and I while we have family in town, we didn’t feel right about asking them to take on that job for us. And being home has actually been the hardest job I’ve ever had. Go figure.
The biggest thing I’ve learned from motherhood has definitely been to step outside of what I think is right and not to judge until I’ve been there. Definitely. Well stated.
You always approach these sorts of topics with such sensitivity, Ashley. I am so happy that part-time work (with family caring for Gabe) has been such a terrific solution for your family.
This, all of this! YES! Are you in my brain??? :)
I love this post, not necessarily cause I can relate to the SAHM/WAHM mom part of it (though I love that you have done and continue to do what is right for you, Gabe and Mike. You’re a rockstar) but because there is so much I’ve learned about myself since becoming a Bonus Mom and being in this new situation that throws me for a loop more often than not. You can’t know what something will be or how it works for you until you’ve been there, you’ve tried and you’ve learned. So yeah, I get what you’re saying, even if slightly different :) <3
Thank you so much! This is exactly how I feel. I want to do both – SAT & work. If I did just one I would feel bad about the other that I was neglecting.
Thank you!
I love this post because you have taken the path that you didnt think you would, and are happy with it. A lot of people need realize that they can be happy in a different life than they once imagined.
And this – “Just because I used to want X, and lots of others seem to want X, doesn’t mean X is right for me” is so spot on.
Also – best blog post title ever.
DUDE. I am a WAY better mom since I work. WAY, WAY, WAY better. Kudos to the women who can be stay at homers full-time. I am not one of them!
Thank you for this post! So authentic and honest!
I am thinking about working independently, and in the beginning I won’t of course be able to afford an office outside the house. I think this would be fine for me, as in any case I’d have to go out to do a lot of the job (so I get to walk -love it- and to chat -love it, too- and to learn more about what is around me -of course love it as well) but I would still spend a lot of time in the place I truly love. So… it may be I’ll work always from home, maybe coupling my job as independent with a part-time job until I have kids, to get more experience and a bit of money to save.
You see why I loved this post? I overplan. And you taught me it is ok, as it’s me, but I have to understand this is just a plan and not a commitment, and that I HAVE to be ready to change “strategy” to accommodate my needs and those of my (future) family… and that this is what life is about, indeed!
Best wishes, and hugs
Oh my gosh are you in my brain??!! I’m not a mom or on the path to being a mom but I am struggling with deciding to stay at my 9-5 or do something else part time to pay the bills and be able to work more on my creative business. This is the part where I figured you were in my brain, because alas that is my life at the moment minus the mom part:) ” I just knew I couldn’t work full-time and drive several hours a day commuting. Not because it’d make me a terrible mother, but because it’d make me a terrible wife and person. I’d be miserable trying to squeeze everything into just a few hours a week – our apartment would be a pit of messiness, I’d never work out, and I’d generally just be a bitter Betty.”
Thanks for your honesty, you Rock!
This is exactly where my family is, too. Thought you’d find this interesting: http://mothering.com/green-living/juggling-career-and-home-albright-oconnor-and-you
Ashley – I know you don’t know me, but I’ve been reading you for a long time (and even bought some of your cute earrings way back when!). This post? Was exactly what I needed to read, right now, on my late lunch at work.
Before my now 4 month old came along, I never thought I’d want to be home. Of course I’d still have my full-time job! Things changed the moment I laid eyes on my daughter. She was where I wanted to be.
Alas, that cannot happen for me right now, so I fought and cut back my hours. I get an extra day with her a week which I treasure. And most days I think I’ll be perfectly happy being with her full-time, some days I’m not so sure.
Motherhood changes your ideals really quickly, doesn’t it? A constant thought in my head pre-motherhood began with “I’ll never be the type of mother who…” but now that I realize that we are all fighting the same battles and that we are all just doing what’s best, there’s no judgement here.
I think it’s a total shame when people know what they want from the time they’re born and never reconsider. Such a missed opportunity! I think a lot of people have had similar experiences to you … REALLY thinking they want something, only to realize when they’re wearing those shoes, they want something entirely different. For me, it’s really important that I work outside of the home. I know I’m a better mother, wife, friend for it. And I am also totally confident that Gavin’s exposure to the world outside of our home makes him a better kid, too. That said, my way isn’t the right way … just the right way for me. =)
i love this post for so many reasons but mainly for the lessons learned from it. i feel like you may always think one path is right for you and end up being completely wrong. everyone is different and it’s just something we all have to figure out.
also. that picture just kills me with cuteness.
did you know your pics don’t show up in google reader anymore? sad :(
anyway, thank you for posting this! it’s a good reminder for me as i will have to consider these decisions in the future. growing up with a stay at home mom (ryan as well!), we have certain ideas about it…but the reality is, that might not be the decision we choose to take…and that’s OKAY despite what anyone else (our families included!) think. same goes for education decisions, etc. etc. you are a great mom and one i thoroughly look up to!
also–i think you should consider party planning! the golden bday looked awesome!
Yes yes yes yes yes yes. (I nodded along while reading this pretty emphatically.) I think what I love about parenting or just being a secure grown-up is that when you are confident in your choices, what other people choose doesn’t matter. Two people get to be happy doing two completely different things and they can both raise happy kids, too.
I need/want to work and I need/want to spend time with my son. I make both happen and it really works for us.
Great post, Ashley!
Isn’t it a wonderful thing to feel confident in your choices? :)
I am right there with you! Before I had Evie I wasn’t sure what I would want to do- stay home, or go back to work full time. I was just so looking forward to having 8 weeks at home with her in the beginning. It was amazing. I don’t have a choice to not work, but thankfully we are able to make our bills with me working part-time, so I applied for a ton of positions. I was hoping my current full-time job would let me go part-time, but they couldn’t. I have really enjoyed being home this entire time, but I must say that I am ready to go back to work for all the reasons you mentioned, putting normal clothes on (ha!), some “alone time” in the car, adult conversation, and just feeling like I am contributing outside of motherhood. Thankfully I was blessed with an amazing part-time job, and I start on Thursday! I am nervous, but really excited. I know it will make me a better mom. And thankfully, my family just moved to town and my hubby and mom will be watching her three days a week. Yes, I know. I am a blessed woman.
Umm, so my first time visiting, and I love you…. First you inspired me to take the shampoo-free plunge, then, this. THIS is my heart, but I don’t think I’ve quite articulated it, even in my own head, until I read it from you. Why on earth do I try to live up to an expectation of what things SHOULD be like, or how I SHOULD feel, or what I SHOULD be doing with my time/children/life/job/ministry?! And it’s totally my doing, not anyone else’s ideas or opinions or constraints, just my own contrived views of how things should be. Ok, clearly I’m rambling. But I’m honestly having a light bulb moment. right. here. I’ve been praying intently for vision in a few specific areas…. I think it’s finally clicking. THANK YOU, for this.
grateful,
lauren